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Momo Fali's: June 2008

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Inquiring Minds Want To Know

Okay, okay. Sorry it took so long Christine. I was finally able to sneak away from my yard sale and get back here. I had to wrestle an 80 year old who stole a 25 cent, magnetic checkers game, so I've been kind of busy.

It was fun reading your burning questions. Like NukeDad's, "Is kneecap licking a genetic trait, or can it be learned?" It's genetic. When my husband proposed to me, he got down on his knee and then licked mine. The rest is history!

Along those lines, Chefmom wants to know, "What is it with boys and licking?" I don't know, Chefmom. I just don't know.

Xbox4NappyRash, Lisa, and Angie asked about the name of my blog. Congrats to Jill, who knew the answer.

A fellow blogger once said that when she met me, she was expecting a 300 pound Samoan woman...what, with my name being Momo Fali and all.

But, Momo Fali is actually Mom of Ali. Many years ago I created an on-line account with the user name "momofali". My best friend, Bean, was confused and sent me an e-mail asking, "Who's Momo Fali?" I've been Momo (or Mo) ever since, but to answer Angie's one calls me that it real life.

Geeks in Rome asked how it's pronounced. Fali rhymes with alley.

Rachel wants to know, "What do you think is the one thing you'd do differently with your blog if you were starting over? Well Rachel, I wouldn't name it a name that no one understands and that they can't pronounce without having to think about it.

Hottdog, Gramma Ann, and Kiera, asked about the blog etiquette I mentioned. This is an awfully broad topic for this measly venue. First and foremost, don't ASK someone to link to you. And for crying out loud, use your spellcheck.

Amy from Doobleh-Vay (now that's a cool name) wondered, " you became such a high ranking blog star so quickly?" and Dapoppins asked, " the heck did you manage to generate so many comments?" Four words people. Deep pockets and bribery. And Amy, about that "high ranking blog star" really shouldn't read my Mom's website. She's a little biased.

Heather asked, "When are you going to get on writing that book?" and Katy wants to know, "What is the subject of your book?" You mean that book I started back in 20 B.C.? I'll finish that as soon as time stands still. And Katy, I love, love, love humor. There's just nothing better than a funny book. That's why I'm writing a murder mystery.

Now for the miscellany...

Manager Mom - "Do you still have insomnia?" Yes, I do. Though I am writing this in my sleep...obviously.

O My Blog - "Why do people shop at Ikea?" Because you can't be hip, unless you buy hip.

Jo Beaufoix - "What do you prefer, cockles or barnacles?" I'm going to have to go with cockles. It's more fun to say.

Ms. Picket - "Did you see the small item in Newsweek (Cindy McCain on the cover) about how blogging can be therapeutic and that some shrinks are recommending it? And if so, or even if not, got thoughts on that?" I did not see the article, but blogging has been extremely therapeutic for me. Now, if I could just get my blog to write a Vicodin prescription...

Bean - "Recent polls have shown that a fifth of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?" Because U.S. Americans don't have maps. Duh.

Tara R. - "What is your biggest pet peeve?" The saying, "a-whole-nother". It's like nails on a chalkboard.

HRH - "Can you convert debt into jewelry?" Sure! I can also pull a string of pearls out of your ear.

Holly - "Does my butt look big in this?" Holly! Have you seen yourself lately? You're wasting away woman.

Transfattyacid - "If you were a man, what is the one thing you would like to do, that you feel you can't do as a woman?" Dude. That's simple. Pee standing up.

Mama Dawg - "Will you always try to keep your son from doing the highly entertaining feats that he performs on a daily basis or will you just one day throw your hands up in the air and just let him do what he does so well?" Look, he's no Tiger if I'm going to retire early, the boy has to bring the funny.

Soapy B - "Why did you go to OSU?" That's The Ohio State University to you, Soapy. Where was I supposed to go? Michigan? Hack. Gag. Sorry, that word comes out with a hairball every time.

Goon Squad Sarah - "What is the most embarrassing concert you ever went to?" This is tough. I've been to some bad concerts. I'll go with Tesla. Some things should have stayed in the 80's.

And finally, Jill Provost - "May I lick your knee in honor of your blogoversary?" Yes, you may..but then you'll have to marry me.

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Thursday, June 26, 2008

Mercy Mercy, It's My Blogoversary

Way back when, on June 26, 2007, I started this blog. I put fingertips to keyboard because I love to write and I wanted a creative outlet. I started a book a few years ago, but as I mentioned in my very first post, "...I thought my insomnia would give me plenty of time to write a book, but it turns out I'd rather sit and watch infomercials on HGTV at 3:00 AM".

Before I began, I only read the likes of Dad Gone Mad, Dooce, and Bossy. I was unaware there are trillions of blogs. I didn't know there was such a thing as "blog-etiquette". I had no idea what I was doing. For crying out loud, I didn't even know how to enable comments until three months into this gig.

Some people were kind enough to point me in the right direction. Thanks Eden and Danny, for helping out a schmuck in need...and for doing it with kindness. For the record, that will be the last time you hear me say something nice about you. I have a sarcastic image to uphold, you know?

And, thanks to the readers who come here to witness my incoherent ramblings. You make this fun. Even if you're only coming to read that my son licked my cousin's knee at my Aunt M's funeral (he did).

Your visits and comments make me smile. Some of you leave remarks more inappropriate than my son at church, but most are downright hysterical.

Speaking of comments, in honor of this blogoversary I'd like to pull a Carol Burnett (minus the yodeling) and take your questions.

Boys and girls, is there anything you'd like to know? I'm a half-open book.

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Wednesday, June 25, 2008

I'm Putting My Car On A Charm Bracelet

USA Today reported that Oakland Raiders receiver Javon Walker was robbed of $3,000 cash and $100,000 in jewelry on June 16. Yes, you read that correctly...$100,000 in jewelry.

In order to look comparably rich, I've decided to have my house made into a necklace.


Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Where Is The Love?

I spent four hours in the emergency room on Sunday night (into the wee hours of Monday morning) for a migraine, and nausea that makes the seasickness they show on Deadliest Catch look like a day at the park.

And, all day yesterday I was curled up in the fetal position on my couch waiting for the agitation from the Compazine to wear off.

Well, not all day...half my time was spent in the bathroom going through roll after roll of toilet paper, and bottle after bottle of Lysol and anti-bacterial soap. Because what's better after a migraine than, what my Dad refers to as, a case of the "thin-dirties"?

Last night I was feeling weak and in need of something other than Imodium AD. So when my son climbed up on the couch next to me I was excited about some snuggle time.

He knew I was sick. He would be there for me. He would provide the comfort I desperately needed. I pulled him close and asked, "Who's your favorite?"

He looked up at me, gave me a big smile and said, "I'm my favorite!"

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Monday, June 23, 2008

Chaka, Chaka...Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan

I'm not laughing at her. I'm laughing WITH the anchorman.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Go Ahead...Make My Day

Within our group of friends we have an odd quirk of quoting movie lines. Okay, truth be told, we have a lot of quirks, but this is the only one I feel comfortable putting on internet display.

These quotes? Well mind you, they’re never anything intellectual, but more of the Fletch, Three Amigos, or Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure variety. We’re deep like that.

The movie's we pull script from may be cheesy, but we take our lines seriously. You aren’t allowed to screw them up.

Once, while urging some friends to hurry, I took a line from Lord of the Rings – Fellowship of the Ring and said, “Run you fools”, when Gandalf’s line is actually, “Fly you fools”. By the looks on their faces, you’d think I had French-kissed my brother.

That was six years ago and they still haven’t let me forget it. They have also taken some liberties and claim I said something like, “Get the lead out you goofballs” or “Trot along you loonies”. This is the grief I’ve endured for being ever so slightly off.

Another friend was chastised for butchering a line from the movie-quote-abundant Dumb and Dumber. What should’ve been, “Big Gulps, huh? Well, see you later came out as, “Big Gulps, huh? Well, gotta go”. Oh, the shame. For the love of coffee! If you’re going be quoting, you have to be closer than that.

The following are movie lines I quote most often.

From Princess Bride:
When sending people on their way
…”Have fun storming the castle!”

From Dirty Dancing:
When my ideas are shot down
…“He wouldn’t know a new idea if it hit him in the Pachenga.” Frequently modified to, “He wouldn’t know a good idea if it hit him in the Pachenga.” I figure that's an allowable modification, since nobody ever knows what I'm talking about.

When I’ve carried a watermelon…“I carried a watermelon.”

When I look around my basement or rummage through my purse…“Such junk…such junk.”

From Dumb and Dumber:
When things aren’t going well or I have a lot to do
…”Our pets’ heads are falling off!”

When I’ll be right back…”Don’t you go dying on me!”

When taking medicine…“Pills are good. Pills are gooooood!”

When I’m beating someone at a game…“You are one pathetic loser. No offense.”

There, now I’ve shared mine. It’s time for you boys and girls to do the same. What is your favorite movie quote? Please share, so that pathetic loser thing doesn’t come back and bite me in the rear.


Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Don't Forget To Tip Your Waitress

At the amusement park last weekend, my six year old son felt it was his duty to provide in-line entertainment. He was working the crowd like a miniature Rodney Dangerfield.

At one point, a woman who was about five people back, looked at my son and said, "You are adorable!"

My overly dramatic kid let his jaw drop open, then he pointed at his chest as he feigned astonishment and asked, "Me?! You think I'm adorable?" Then his alter ego arrived (we call her Sybil) and he looked at the woman and loudly said, "I am NOT adorable".

The people around us starting laughing and the woman's husband scolded her and said, "How DARE you call a child adorable!"

My son giggled along with them, full-well knowing he had caused the merriment . Then he looked at me and quietly asked, "Mom? What's adorable mean?"

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Monday, June 16, 2008

I'm Glad My Feet Didn't Shine

We just got back from a weekend at an amusement park on the Lake Erie shore. That's right. My husband is the type of guy who spends his Father's Day schlepping kids around a hot, sticky, crowded park just so he can watch them smile. (Insert "Aw" here.)

This particular park has an indoor roller coaster that my daughter really wanted to ride, so I volunteered to take her. The waiting line weaved through a building illuminated with black-lights.

Upon entering, everyone wearing white tennis shoes and shirts began to glow. People had florescent eyeballs and when they smiled it was with neon teeth.

I, however, wasn't wearing anything white. Instead the black-light revealed dirt...all over my shirt. Dirt and amusement park grime which had not been visible outside. It looked like I had removed my top, laid it on the ground and let my six year old stomp all over it.

Because I had been holding my son earlier, every mark from his sandals was imprinted like bad graphics. There were marks from roller coaster seat-belts, and shoulder restraints too.

So, while everyone else was positively glowing, I felt contaminated ala Meryl Streep in Silkwood.

I have always thought that the shower after an amusement park visit is the best shower you can take. Now I don't just think it...I know it.

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Friday, June 13, 2008

I Have Asthma, Okay?!

Thanks to some fat cells that apparently have no interest in shrinking...and chocolate that can't seem to stop finding my mouth...last week I decided to increase my runs from three miles to five.

Since the kids have been out of school, I have been running on my treadmill. I plug along as they sit in the other room reading, watching TV, or playing video games. Usually they are facing me, and mocking me with their cute, little, non-fat, perfect, flawless, skinny, legs and arms. Oh sorry...I drifted there for a minute.

During my second day of this extended work-out, when I had just finished mile four and was feeling awfully proud of myself, I looked into the living room and saw my daughter watching me. I smiled at her, then morphed into Rocky Balboa, pumped my fist in the air and said, "Aren't I doing a good job? I am so proud of myself."

Instead of mocking me, she flat-out slammed me when she smiled back and said, "Mom. Your face is purple."

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Wednesday, June 11, 2008

That Song Is About Me

I am not a vain person. Sure, I try to keep fine lines from turning into deep trenches, and I color my hair. And, like any woman, I enjoy being pampered with an occasional pedicure. But, it’s not unusual for me to run out of the house in the morning with a baseball cap on, and nothing on my face but the wrinkles left there from my pillowcase.

When my daughter sees me looking this way, and she knows I’m on my way to the store, she’ll say, “You know you’re going to see someone you know, because you don’t have any makeup on”. She’s often right, but I normally don’t care.

Recently, I was buying flowers at a local nursery with my six year old son in tow, when he struck up conversations with various people in the check-out line. As long as he doesn’t start touching strangers, or telling folks they resemble sea creatures, I’m fine with him practicing his speaking skills.

One of the people he talked to was an older woman waiting directly in front of us.

I noticed that her appearance was much like mine. We were both in shorts and t-shirts, with dirty tennis shoes on our feet. Martha Stewart’s got nothing on my gardening attire.

But, the similarities ended with our clothing and lack of mascara, because she was much older than I was. Or, so I thought.

Suddenly, she turned to me and said, “Hey! I know you! We went to high school together! Remember? Remember me?”

I did remember her. I managed to utter something…something I’m sure sounded like a small yelp, because all I could really do was wonder if I looked like she did. No! I couldn't! She was older than me. A whole year older.

We spoke for a few minutes…mostly about our mutual friend Julie, who I haven’t seen in years, but with whom she has stayed in contact. As she left the store she said, “I’ll tell Julie you said hello.”

The thing I said about not being vain? Well, so much for that...because as she continued to her car I yelled, “Don’t tell her what I looked like!”

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Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Nobody Knows What They're Saying In Stayin' Alive

My husband likes to be right. Okay…I do too. But, it seems that whenever we place wagers regarding music knowledge, he always wins.

It started years ago, when he had attended an Aerosmith concert and I asked him if they played "Home Sweet Home". But, what I was actually referring to was the song "Last Child". Just because, “home sweet home” is in the lyrics, doesn't mean it's the title. I lost some money on that one.

After we started dating, we found that we both liked the band Silverchair. Their most popular, ever-present radio song was one that I believed to be called "Fatal Massacre". My husband quickly corrected me saying the title was "Pure Massacre". What? That makes no sense. He may have been right, but Silverchair clearly didn’t see that “fatal” works better than “pure” next to the word “massacre”. And, they call themselves musicians?

This was followed by a discussion of Led Zeppelin’s "Ramble On"…quite possibly my favorite song EVER. My husband told me that the song was based on J.R.R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings, but I couldn’t figure out how he knew that. When he said that Gollum was mentioned in the song, I went through the lyrics in my head and found no mention of that rotten Hobbit.

But, it turns out that Robert Plant wasn’t singing, “Gaw if that evil one…”, but instead was saying, “Gollum, and the evil one…”. I was wrong again. That's right. I didn't even know the lyrics to my favorite song...or even know what it was really about.

Quite frankly, I have made enough mistakes that I could make this the longest post in all of blogging history.

Of course, I’m not alone. Lots of people screw up song lyrics. At least, that’s my defense and I’m sticking to it.

I had a friend in high school who thought the Grateful Dead song titled "Might as Well", was actually called "Minus Twelve". We let him think that for a long time too.

Recently, someone said they misunderstood the song lyrics in "Hotel California". Instead of, “What a nice surprise…” she thought Don Henley was singing, “When your rabbit dies…”

And, who actually knew the correct lyrics in "Blinded by the Light" were, "Revved up like deuce..."? You know you've all said, "Wrapped up like a douche...". Don't lie.

What I’d love to know boys and girls, is what song lyrics have you messed up?

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Sunday, June 8, 2008

And, He's Faster Than Big Brown

Yesterday morning, I noticed that my six year old son's voice sounded funny.

I picked him up and said, "I think you're getting a cold. Your voice sounds hoarse."

Then he confirmed why I call him the next Jim Carrey, when he looked me straight in the eye and said, "Neigh".

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Friday, June 6, 2008

If We Get To Ten My Head's Going To Pop Off

Although my son has never been shy about touching people, I couldn't believe how many times I had to reprimand him at my daughter's softball game last night.

The first time was for touching a woman's painted toenails.

The second time was for leaning on a lady, as if she were a light pole.

The third time was for pinching a little girl's butt.

Finally I said, "You have to stop touching people! I have told you three times that you can NOT do that. One for the toenails, two for leaning on that lady, and three for pinching your friend."

And, once again he saw the future when he said, "What am I going to do for four, five and six?"

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Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Gonna Party Like It's My Birthday

Today is my birthday. Mine, and hers.
That's right. Our similarities are endless.

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Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Cool Hand Puke

After seeing my last post and reading that I took my kids hiking, a lovely lady left a comment to tell me that I’m “the coolest Mom ever”. Apparently, I need to set the record straight.

I am not a cool Mom. I don’t even really like kids. I mean, I love my own…and thank goodness I love their friends. For now anyway, they are all well-behaved, kind, and clean.

I think my lack of coolness around little ones started when I began babysitting at the age of thirteen. I took a Red Cross class, I took CPR, and I checked out How-To books on managing children from the local library. I was excited. I was ready!

My first job was to babysit my three year old cousin. It was shortly after Halloween, and before I arrived, this sweet little girl had ingested a mountain of Smarties. As I was helping her brush her teeth before bed she said, “I think I need to get to the toileURGH”, at which point a massive amount of vomit poured out of her and all over the floor. We were two feet away from the sink and just inches from the toilet, but she didn’t make it to either of them.

So I did what any babysitter would do. I called my Mommy.

While I heard my Mom gagging upstairs as she threw puke covered paper towels into a trash can, I watched my cousin’s dog lick regurgitated Smarties off her pajamas. Then I sat on the steps, cried, and I thought about how I would never, ever watch kids again. I would just look at them from a distance.

Just a few months later, my Mom was babysitting my nephew when he threw up at various places throughout our house. What is it with the vomiting?! The next time I was forced into watching him, I ended up walking him in circles around our neighborhood for hours…in the 40 degree chill…just so that if he spewed, I wouldn’t have to clean it up.

For a germophobe like me, runny noses, dirty fingers, boogers, poo…and vomit…are sometimes too much to handle. Throw in some back-talk and bad manners from kids you don’t know well enough to punish, and watch Momo run longingly to the nearest tall person for some adult company.

But, I did take my kids hiking. And, wouldn’t you know that as we were eating our picnic lunch, my six year old son choked on his sandwich and threw up. At least we were outside…no clean-up required.

See? I’m only cool when it’s convenient.

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Sunday, June 1, 2008

I Wish Her Energy Was Contagious

Our family took a road trip today and enjoyed a five mile hike through Ohio's beautiful Hocking Hills.

Well, it wasn't so much a hike as it was a lot of ups, downs, stepping over logs, tree roots and around massive rocks. We even had a run-in with a rabid raccoon.

There was a lot of climbing.

And, there was climbing...

Did I mention there was climbing?

Our five mile hike took us four hours.

When we got home I made an attempt to be funny and asked, "So, does anybody want to go for a walk?"

And, my nine year old daughter made me wish they could sell her pep-in-a-bottle, when she said, "I do!!"

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