Last night I attended my fourth of thirty-six boot camp classes for which I recently signed up.  Just thirty-two to go!

Every other session is devoted to strength training.  I almost threw up during my first one.  Last night was my second.

After I struggled with my barbell, wobbling it side to side during pulsing bench-presses (high five to my spotter), I told the instructor, "Hey, I didn't have this much weight last time."

Which is when I really realized that this wasn't my mom's Jazzercise class, when she replied without sympathy and said, "So?"

Labels: Boot Camp, Ramblings, Shameless Statements

I am not a small woman.

I know this.  I own this.  I have never been petite.  I will never be petite.

It isn't easy to be big.  It, especially, isn't easy to be big when you need to put on a bathing suit and actually allow people to see your thunderous thighs.

I mean, really.  It's one thing that everyone can see my gigantic, looks-like-I-play-in-the-NBA, hands, but allowing it to all hang out is something else entirely.

Last week, my family and I rented a vacation house for a night to celebrate my daughter's 12th birthday and the birthday of one of our friends.  While looking for the rental unit, one of the requirements was that the house have a hot tub.  Unfortunately we found one.

So, there I was.  Not only was it snowy and freezing outside, but the 104 degree hot tub overlooked beautiful scenery and I had been suffering from a stiff neck for days.  It seemed...appealing.  While the adults were all scattered among different parts of the house, I decided to bite the bullet, put on my bathing suit and climb into the hot tub with my daughter and our friends' two kids.

If anyone won't pass judgment on you it's two 12 year old girls, because they are so concerned about themselves they don't even see your thighs.  Plus, there was a nine year old to distract them...or irritate them...same difference.

I walked outside, removed the towel from my waist, climbed the steps and, under the gaze of three children, I dipped myself into the hot tub.

There.  That wasn't so bad, now was it?  Sure, I'm big...but, it's not like the water went pouring over the edge.  I leaned my head back and let the jets pound against my stiff neck.  I can't believe I was so worried about what everyone thinks of me.

Which is when my daughter looked across the water and said, "Um...Mom?  I think you need a tissue."

Labels: Kids, Ramblings, Shameless Statements

Since I started working over 40 hours a week, my husband has taken over some of the household duties.  Yesterday, he did the grocery shopping.  It kind of made my heart melt.

His greatest assistance has come with the takeover of getting the eight year old to bed.  Most of my work is done in the evening, so while I am clicking away on my computer my husband deals with the stall-tactics, the decision of which book and stuffed animal to take to bed and the newest thing to throw a wrench into the routine...SpongeBob mouthwash.

My husband has managed, after a long day at work, to turn this time into something fun.  There are races to the top of the steps, shoulder rides and the Mom's-chest-pain-inducing-toss-the-tiny-kid-onto-the-bed-from-across-the-room-adventure.

So with all of these shenanigans, it was no surprise the other night to hear my son declare, "Daddy!  Let's play the opposite game."  My husband was quick to oblige.

I laughed as I listened to them go back and forth, with my husband telling our son to, "Hold your pee", "Put your clothes on" and "Don't brush your teeth".

My son answered all yes-questions with a firm, "No" and everything that should have been a denial was met with a jolly, "Yes!"

As usual, my husband had turned bedtime into something giggle inducing.

After a few minutes, I heard my husband say, "Okay, buddy.  Don't say goodnight to your mother."

Which is when the game came to an abrupt halt.

Because as I climbed the stairs to meet my son halfway, he greeted me with a smile and outstretched arms for a big nighttime hug and he said, "Good morning, Mom.  I hate you so much."


**There are still a few days to enter my $100 Visa giftcard giveaway from BlogHer, sponsored by Welch's.  Stop by my review blog for your chance to win!**

Labels: Family Life, Kids, My Better Half, Shameless Statements

Labels: Family Life, Happy Holidays, My Better Half, Photos, Shameless Statements

Although my son will be nine years old in the spring, he still needs our help when he's taking a shower.  After he has cleaned his body, one of us goes in to aide him in washing his hair.  Because he is on his second set of ear tubes and doesn't hear well, we do our best to keep dirty water and shampoo from entering his ear canals.

The other night, I walked into the bathroom and asked, "Are you ready for me to wash your hair?"

Which is when I realized that he's eight years old going on adulthood, because when I pulled back the shower curtain I saw him standing with his hand outstretched in my direction as he said, "Hey, Mom!  Pull my finger."

Labels: Kids, Shameless Statements

While returning home from a family dinner the other night, my 11 year old daughter suddenly spoke up from the back seat.

She asked, "Hey Dad, what's the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you?"

My husband peered out at the night sky and thought aloud, "Hmmm...".

Then my son offered his unsolicited opinion when he said, "I know!  It was probably when he married mom."

Labels: Family Life, Kids, My Better Half, Shameless Statements

Recently, someone told me that she was glad that women have to wear bras.

When I questioned her logic, and sanity, she explained that she is so happy about wearing a bra because the best feeling in the world is taking it off every night.

That friend of mine?  She's one smart cookie.

Because my son has sensory issues and because he likes to snuggle and rub my flabby arms, even if I'm in my pajamas, I wait to take off my bra until he has gone to bed.  The last thing I need is for him to accidentally run his hand a little too far up my sleeve.  Then we'd need a whole new kind of therapist.  Just sayin'.

The other night, as he was preparing to go to bed, I snuck into my bedroom and removed my bra.  As luck would have it...wait...as my luck would have it, when I came in and sat down on the stool in his tiny bathroom, the back of his hand brushed against my B-O-O-B.

He looked up at me and asked, "What's that?"

I honestly replied, "Well, that's one of my private parts.  That's my boob."

Then he reached his hand up and touched my chest and said, "Oh!  I thought boobs were supposed to be up here."

Labels: Getting Old, Kids, Shameless Statements

The principal at the school where I work, and where my children attend, was walking through the cafeteria the other day when I saw her stop to talk to my son.  A few minutes later, I took a big gulp as she approached the kitchen where I was working. 

Not that I was terribly worried, as his blatant honesty has prepared me for anything.

Let's review, shall we?

He once told a doctor that she had a, "really, really, really big nose" and he told an elderly woman that she was dead.  He saw a wrinkled, old lady at the store and said that she needed to use lotion and has even complimented large people...by telling them that he likes their "chinny chin chins."

And, let's not forget when he named his testicles, Racer and Jennifer, then proceeded to tell complete strangers about his "babies".

My son keeps things interesting.  Although he has a whole lot of quirks, there is one part of his behavior that is constant; you never know what he is going to say.

I was thinking of this when the principal walked up to me and stated, "Diane, I have to tell you what your son just said."

I began to form an apology in my head, but then she continued, "He wanted to wish me a happy afternoon and tell me that he's been praying for my sister.  He says the most appropriate things!"

To which I replied, "Give him a minute."

Labels: Kids, Lunch Lady Land, Shameless Statements, Special Needs

The other night we were visiting with a friend during dinner at his house, when my eight year old son jumped into the conversation and called our 39 year old friend by his first name.  It was something along the lines of, "Sure, Chad."

Although we allow the kids to call our oldest friends by their first name, we have a rule that most people go by Mr. or Mrs. followed by their last name.  It keeps things easy and consistent.

My husband quickly corrected our boy and said, "You need to address adults as Mr. or Mrs., buddy.  It shows respect."

And, as our son turned to leave the room he rolled his eyes at his dad, let out a big sigh and said, "Whatever, Mike."

Labels: Family Life, Kids, My Better Half, Shameless Statements

I'm going to allow myself to be conceited, because this is my blog and I'm my own editor and I can have an ego if I want to. Neener-neener.

You know how everyone sits down at a job interview and says, "I'm a people person"? Well, I really am a people person. I'm an extrovert, a talker, a social butterfly, if you will. I love people.

And, I hate ignorance.

I have friends of all different races and colors and beliefs. I love them, not despite our differences, but sometimes because of them. I am doing my best to teach my children the same thing.

This likely wasn't evident when my son called two Muslim woman "pirates" and it surely wasn't apparent yesterday at one of our favorite Chinese restaurants.

Because it had to seem that we are breeding nothing but intolerance when my son heard a woman speaking Chinese to her child, looked at her and said, "Uh, we're not in China."

Labels: Family Life, Kids, Shameless Statements, Special Needs

This past Saturday and Sunday mornings were spent running a lot of errands with my two kids. Two kids who, apparently, don't understand that it's possible to ride in a back seat without constant bickering and occasional sibling slapping.

After hours upon hours of listening to them argue, my head popped off.

Okay, my head didn't pop off, but it felt like it would. Maybe that is why I suddenly yelled, "STOPPPPPPP!!!" You know, to relieve all of that pressure.

It was quiet for a moment, then my son said, "I want a new mom."

I replied, "Why would you say that?"

He said, "Because you yelled."

After I apologized for *ahem* raising my voice because of two days worth of constant squabble that would make even the most solid brain turn to mush, or make dogs howl, or make ears bleed, I told my son that he shouldn't wish for a new mom because he might get a mom who yells more, or one who doesn't read to him, or make him dinner, or love him so much, or...well the list went on and on.

None of that phased him. He was determined to be rid of me.

So, I did what any mom whose head almost popped off would do. I pulled over to an old, run-down house and told my son to go knock on the door and ask for a new mom.

He looked at the home, with its overgrown bushes, tall grass and covered windows and asked, "Can we go see if there's a new mom at a better house?"

Labels: Mom Logic, Shameless Statements

Much to my husband's chagrin, I am a Twitter addict. I love to curl up on the couch with my laptop after the kids have gone to bed and read what everyone is doing in 140 characters or less. I don't know why I like it, but I do.

Another great mystery is why I like to go on Twitter after I take my Ambien. Some people sleep-eat, some people make phone calls, I even know someone who took their dog to the dog park and lost him because she was on Ambien. I feel the need to say it wasn't me. Anyway, some people do crazy things on that medicine. I just send tweets.

Last night, after my girly part surgery, I went on Twitter on Dilaudid (also know as Hydromorphone). I did NOT take Dilaudid AND Ambien, because then I would be dead.

Here, for your enjoyment, are a few of my Dilaudid tweets...

I'm on Dilaudid,daf; everylook lop;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

@secretagentmama But I'm halluciantiaon in my liviner oom and I've having fn. I jusst saw a buffalo

I have to pee and I hoptea I don't fall asleep in there like I did earlign.

I dind'dt fall saleep in the bathroom PROGRSSS! Now, eating blueberyy bread and I ckind of what to marry kit.

I thought my hsubnad was hust bringing me wi-ne. I was like, "Wahtewa are you CRAWZZAZZZYY?" His handmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm was empty.

I feel asleep on "hand".

I just said to my husband athat I vfeel like everything I'm telling you is from a dream.. He said, "That's ture." I'm really confursted.

@secretagentmama duid you just calle me Jar Jar Binks? Because I think you called me Jar Jar Binks, when clearly I am Yoda.

My head is like a bobble toy right now=============================

That's not the window!

just asked my husbna if the guy on TV is named, "Major" and he said, "No, it's Rex". Dude I was THAT close.

Thank goodness, I'm no longer in pain. Though you can still look forward to the Ambien tweets. I live for your amusement, or as I told a friend earlier...I'm here to confurst you.

Labels: How to Lose Readers, Ramblings, Shameless Statements, Socializing

Later today, I will be having some minor, outpatient surgery on my girly parts. Just because it's minor, doesn't mean I'm not nervous.

I have only had surgery three times in my life. Two of the three were c-sections, for which I stayed awake and the third was for my wisdom teeth. That is the only time I have ever been put under sedation. I'm not going to lie. I liked it.

But, I was only 19 years old then and delving into blackness was kind of cool. Now, I'm more than twice that age...and I can tell you for certain that today's surgery won't hurt nearly as much as typing that did.

Given that my eight year old son has had a lot more experience on the operating table, I asked him for some advice. We were counting his I.V. scars last night when I said, "I'll be getting an I.V. tomorrow and I'm not sure, but I might have to use a mask to go to sleep too."

At this point, I thought he might tell me what to expect. At the very least, I imagined he would tell me not to worry.

Instead he said, "I sure hope the hospital has big masks, because you have a big head."

Labels: Getting Old, Kids, Shameless Statements

My 76 year old mom is well known for her mispronunciation.

But, I think she topped herself today when she called my niece's car a "Vulva".

Labels: Family Life, Mom Logic, Shameless Statements

My eleven year old daughter is leaving today for a week at camp. Oh, sorry. My eleven-and-a-half year old daughter, because if you don't add the 'half' then you will get an eye roll. And, sometimes, a hair flip.

I went to this same camp in the sixth grade and had so much fun that, as the school bus pulled away from the cabins on the last day, I looked out the back window and cried as the lyrics to Dan Fogelberg's "Longer" danced in my head. The whole scene was like a bad, after-school special.

I know my daughter is going to have a great time. She is going to make new friends, have experiences she will remember forever and, so help me, none of those experiences had better include boys or someone is going to get hurt.

But, knowing she is going to have a fabulous week doesn't mean I'm going to miss her any less. She has been to overnight camp before, but never for a week. Sure, there will be less arguing and we won't run out of milk as quickly, but not kissing her forehead before she goes to bed each night is kind of going to make my heart hurt.

Of course, I knew she would feel the same way. Which was almost evident when I asked, "Are you going to miss us?"

And she replied, "Nope."

Labels: Kids, Shameless Statements

The kids and I went to pick up a pizza earlier this evening and as we waited in the crowded counter area, I looked down to see my son vigorously rubbing his nose.

I had seen this before. This was the booger rub.

I looked around for a napkin, but there were none in sight. I didn't want to be standing among a group of people, who were picking up their dinner, and see a green glob on my son's knuckle, so I nudged him and quietly requested, "Hey buddy, why don't you wait until we're in the car to do that?"

And, not realizing that this was something he should do with a bit of modesty, he loudly replied, "You mean I should wait until we get in the car to pick my nose?"

Yeah, that's right...and we're going to pass on those green peppers.

Labels: Kids, Shameless Statements

My eight year old son has many oddities, however none is quite as evident as his fascination with skin. He loves to touch people and the older, the better. The upper arm flab of elderly women is his clear favorite.

My boy has had sensory issues from the start. As an infant, he hated to be held and only due to countless hours of occupational therapy did that change. Now he can't keep his hands off of people.

He has always been able to obtain this tactile fix because he is so small, but what people don't realize is that he's really just a miniature man. The lady who lets him climb all over her lap forgets that he is an eight year old in the body of a toddler. The kid gets away with murder, I tell you.

We have recently started some new therapy. We brush his skin, we do joint compression and other exercises which are helping him keep his hands to himself. As he always has been, my child is a work in progress.

Most of our friends and family know they have to set boundaries and I do my best to keep him away from bikini clad women. Though, that isn't hard because I've been doing the same thing with my husband for over 15 years. Practice makes perfect, I always say.

We tell my son that everyone has a bubble and that he is not allowed to get close enough to pop it. I sound like I'm off my rocker when I see him eyeing a smooth shoulder or a college co-ed in short-shorts and I act preemptively saying, "Bubble. Bubble! BuuuuuuBBBBBBLE!"

Of course, there are times when he's bound to fall off the wagon and we are quick to tell him that it's not okay to invade someone's space. But, there are still occasions when, oh...let's say, he might lie on top of our friends' eight year old daughter. Hypothetically.

Okay, not hypothetically.

We told him that it was unacceptable for him to lie on top of his friends and that you can never touch a girl without permission. This is when his big sister chimed in and said, "Yeah! You can go to jail for that!"

Which is why I shouldn't have been surprised at my son's reaction when we ran into my brother-in-law the other night. My brother-in-law the police officer.

At least we know my kid has one redeeming quality...he is honest to a fault. Which was clearly evident when he pulled me down to his level and whispered, "Hey, Mom. You should probably tell him that I lay on girls".

Labels: Shameless Statements, Special Needs

This is the letter that my son wrote for Father's Day. Clearly, he will be a famous card-maker someday. Hey, Hallmark...call me.

Labels: Photos, Shameless Statements

My eight year old son has, undeniably, struggled with everything he has ever tackled. Nowhere has this been more evident than in the sports arena.

We tried soccer, but he was only about the size of a three year old at the time. A 35 pound kid with a heart defect and reflux does not a soccer star make. When the coach would put him in, he would simply run across the field to where we were sitting and ask, "Can we leave now?"

Last year we tried t-ball. He liked it. Mostly, he enjoyed the free snow cone at the concession stand after the games and watching the trains that run on the tracks behind the field, but whatever. Progress is progress, people.

Now that he has reached the soaring height of a four year old he has moved on to coach-pitch baseball. This seems to be an ideal sport for him. There isn't too much running and sometimes there is bubble-gum in the dugout.

However, that doesn't mean it has been easy. Although he has a great swing he only had two hits in the first two games.

But last night he hit the ball every time he was at bat. He even had a double. Okay, it was a single with an overthrown ball so he was allowed to advance to second, but again...whatever.

During that inning, he scored his first run. The parents from our team were cheering so much when he reached home plate that he was positively beaming with pride. He waved at everyone as if we were his adoring fans and, at one point, I thought he was actually going to bow.

After the game, one of those parents congratulated him by saying, "Hey, buddy! You played great tonight!"

Then we realized that even modesty comes hard for him when he replied, "I know."

Labels: Kids, Shameless Statements, Sports Shorts

Two years ago a friend of ours with a self-employed husband, two kids and an ailing father who had recently moved into her home, made me feel like lazy-schmuck-mom when she decided to go back to nursing school.

About a month ago she graduated...with honors...and yesterday she found out she passed her boards. After two years of hearing, "I can't. I have to study" it was time to celebrate.

At the last minute I decided to throw together some dinner. A Mexican fiesta, if you will. Mostly because no Mexican fiesta is complete without margaritas.

The kids and I headed to the grocery store and my son got the coveted job of being the "list checker-offer". His tiny, eight-year-old self, which still fits easily into the seat of a shopping cart, called off the items. As I added them to the cart, he would mark them off the list.

Now, you can not deny that you look in other carts to see what people are buying. I do it. I know you do it too. Standing amid the produce section with a cart full of colorful peppers, lettuce, onions and tomatoes, I knew I was disliked by more than one parent with a non-veggie eater. I could hear them thinking, "How does she do it?" I may have puffed up my chest. Just sayin'.

But, as he usually does, my son brought my delusions of parenting grandeur to a crashing halt when he loudly stated, "Okay, the next thing we need is Triple Sec."

Labels: Kids, Shameless Statements