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Momo Fali's: March 2008

Monday, March 31, 2008

If Only I Had 22 Inch Rims

This weekend while looking for a used table to refinish, I developed a new web obsession. Craigslist.

If you haven't been there, don't go. Some of the deals are unbelievably good. I never found a table, but I did spend the better part of yesterday wondering where I would put the antique dry sink that someone was selling for $25.00. I could probably squeeze it in next to the "NEW" elliptical trainer for which the seller was requesting $10.00. Technically, aren't all elliptical trainers new, since all they do in most homes is hold clothing?

But, Craigslist isn't all about buying and selling. There's a bartering section too. That's where I found this...


If she does windows, I'm going to strike up a deal.


Saturday, March 29, 2008

Throw In The Laundry And I'm Downright Charmed

I was reading my son a book, when I suddenly thought how cute he looked. I smothered him with a great, big hug, then I asked, "Do you know why I am the luckiest Mommy in the world?"

He replied, "Yeah! Because you get to vacuum!"

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Thursday, March 27, 2008

Unrefined Parenting

At the store recently, I saw a woman pick her son out of a shopping cart, then put his backside up to her nose as she inhaled deeply. I can’t tell you how many times I used to do that, along with grabbing the back of a diaper to judge whether there was a “nugget” inside. And, if I was in a hurry, I would just go ahead and stick my finger right in to feel if it was dirty.

Why is this type of behavior acceptable? Because being a parent gives you free reign to do gross things. When you start a family, you gain children, but you lose your dignity.

The very nature of having kids is rather icky. It may be a miracle, but no matter how a baby comes out, it's not a pretty sight.

It's really the day to day parenting that can be rather offensive though. I lost track of the amount of times I’ve licked my thumb to get dirt off a face, and to calm fly-away hair. Not to mention the many instances I slurped formula off my wrist after testing its temperature. Either that, or I just went ahead and wiped it on my pants.

I have come to the rescue as a bug-smasher and dead animal picker-upper. I have caught vomit in my bare hands, and cleaned projectile poop off a wall. It seems to me, being a Mom is much like joining a fraternity.

I have cut toenails which resembled talons, and I’ve pulled a hair out of my gagging daughter’s throat. One of my favorite memories was when she was three, and she decided to go through a spitting phase. I spent an afternoon cleaning up roughly 30 hocker piles off the basement floor.

I have picked boogers with a toothpick, and yanked ear wax out with tweezers. And once, on a playdate at the park, I let my friend's kid poop in a plastic bag propped up inside my Igloo cooler.

Let there be no doubt…kids are the reason bleach was invented.


Wednesday, March 26, 2008

I Like The Way He Thinks

My nine year old daughter loves to send and receive e-mail. It doesn't even matter if that e-mail comes from someone in her own household. Someone who, instead of typing a few paragraphs, could say the same thing from across the room. I envision her as a teenager, sending text messages to friends seated right next to her.

For the fun of it, she sent my five year old son a message last night, and knowing she would be happy to get a reply, I got on the computer to help him.

I told my son, "We're going to send your sister an e-mail."

As he climbed up on a stool I asked, "What do you want it to say?"

And, there should be no doubt that he is his father's son, because he replied, "Tell her to get a job."

Though, I don't think she would earn much of a paycheck, because I can't even get her to pick up her socks.

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Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Keys To A Successful Marriage

* Shared faith

* Common goals

* Mutual respect

* Good wine

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Sunday, March 23, 2008

Only Slightly Shorter Than In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida

One of my sisters had the family over for Easter dinner yesterday. Two more of my sisters came in town for the get-together.

I only get to see them once or twice a year, so I brought plenty of toys for my five year old son to play with. I wanted him to stay busy so I would have a chance to visit. But, I made the mistake of thinking my nine year old daughter could keep herself entertained.

Shortly after dinner, she told me she was bored. So, I was relieved when my nephew asked her if she wanted to go to the basement to play Guitar Hero.

Of course, I was quickly interrupted when she wanted me to come watch her. She used the technique of half begging, half guilt-trip. "Please Mom? Please come watch me. Just one song."

Then I started begging and said, "I really just want to visit with my sisters."

"Please Mom!"

I caved. "Okay. One song."

My only request was that she make it quick.

But, that request was swiftly denied when I asked her, "What song are you going to play?"

And she replied, "I think it's called Free Bird."

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Friday, March 21, 2008

I Wish My Husband Was This Agreeable

The other day, I was booking flights on-line when I looked at my five year old son and said, "Pretty soon, you'll be going on your first ride in an airplane!"

When I got off the computer, I picked up my boy and asked, "Aren't you SO excited?"

He smiled and exclaimed, "Yes!"

Then he paused and asked, "What am I so excited about?"


Speaking of being excited, this humble blog has been added to the listings on Alltop. In their own words, Alltop helps "you explore your passions by collecting stories from “all the top” sites on the web." I haven't been so excited since last night, when my son didn't tell our priest that he liked his dress.

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Thursday, March 20, 2008

The Great Toilet Paper Debate

What election? We’re talking about a real vote here.

From the day my husband and I were married, we were Charmin users. But, because Charmin is so soft and thick, it didn’t agree with the pipes in our old house. It bundled up against the tree roots running through our sewer line, and that didn’t make for a dry basement.

The last Roto-Rooter guy to pay us a visit, left coupons for a certain brand of toilet paper. Let’s call that brand Cotts. After my grocery store doubled those coupons, I got 32 rolls of Cotts at a bargain basement price of 44 cents a piece. Our impression of this paper? Well, let’s just say that bargain basement sometimes makes for raw bottoms. I’m sure it’s easy on the sewer, because it’s thinner than Kate Moss on a diet.

In all honesty, it would be more comfortable to roll up some newspaper, or a leaf…or sandpaper. It’s completely non-absorbent as well. I have visions of my nine year old telling me she’d rather drip dry.

My husband has taken to calling it “hotel paper”. Obviously, we stay at some fine establishments.

But, we are not wasters. No, no, no. We will use that paper until there isn’t a scrap of it left. In the meantime, we are also experimenting with three other kinds.

At this point, I’ll be happy to find a brand that doesn’t clog the toilets, and won’t leave splinters where the sun don’t shine.

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Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Tonight I Plopped Down With A Glass Of Wine

Often, after fighting the kids to take a bath, put on their pajamas, brush their teeth, say their prayers and finally get in bed, I will come downstairs and plop onto the couch exhausted. I inevitably will declare something along the lines of, "I don't know if I have enough patience for this motherhood stuff".

Never mind that I've been at bat in the game of parenthood for over nine years. Never mind that I've uttered a sentence like that hundreds (if not thousands) of times. I always wake up the next day...or if I'm lucky, at 3:00 AM by a kid who needs to vomit...and do it all over again.

My son has a preschool project due tomorrow. He, along with my help, was to collect information about his favorite zoo animal. Tomorrow he will share his folder full of animal facts with his class. He chose a giraffe.

Being the good mother that I am, I first felt it necessary to teach him the art of procrastination, which would be why we didn't start his project until tonight. Some kids may have gone to the library, but we went to Google.

First we printed a picture. Then we researched where giraffes live, what they eat, how tall they grow, even the color of their tongue. We also created a visual aid. Then we went over, and over, and over the things he was going to say to the class. (Note to self: Don't procrastinate anything involving public speaking with your speech delayed kid.)

When we were finished, I put the folder away with a relieved sigh, and said, "There! Now you're ready to share all those facts about your favorite animal, the giraffe."

And after the 30 minute evening battle, as I tucked him into bed, my boy looked up at me and said, "Mom. My favorite animal is an elephant."

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Monday, March 17, 2008

The Better To See You With

These are pictures of a nearby house. I'm all for natural light, but they must go through monumental amounts of glass cleaner. Apparently, you just can't have too many windows.

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Sunday, March 16, 2008

Grandma Needs To Carry A Flask

I just went to lunch with my son, my daughter and my Mom. We were in a crowded restaurant, directly next to a table with a woman, her son, her daughter, and her Mom. It was a mirror image of us, with one exception...the little boy at their table wouldn't stop whining.

My Mom was facing them and told me a few times that the boy seemed really spoiled. Having known quite a few special needs kids, I told her that he might have some kind of behavioral problem we weren't aware of. Through my own experience, I have learned not to judge.

But, my Mom held her ground and disagreed, saying that she could just tell he was spoiled. A few times, I saw her look over at the older woman and flash her a sympathetic smile, Grandma to Grandma.

It turns out, that my Mom was probably right about that boy's attitude, because on the way out of the restaurant, the other Grandmother approached her. And, I'm doubting that a woman with a special needs grandchild, would come up to my Mom, grab her arm at 1:00 in the afternoon and say, "I think it's time for a drink".

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Thursday, March 13, 2008

I May Take Up Prize Fighting

My son brought home a book he made at school with some pictures inside.

This is me. I am happy, but I am also wearing boxing gloves just in case I need to knock somebody out. At least he made me skinny.

This is my husband. I don't know about you, but I think he needs a haircut. I noticed he's missing his ears, which would explain why he never hears anything I say. Also, his lack of arms is probably why he doesn't help much around the house.

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Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Maybe We Should Get A Second Opinion

Last week, our veterinarian told us that our dog may have cancer. At a routine visit, the doctor found a lump on the top of her paw. She seemed concerned and when I asked her what she thought it could be, she looked at my five year old son, then at me, and said, "I'd rather not say." As in, "I don't want to be the one to break it to your kid that his dog is going to die".

The next day, I took our dog back and left her at the vet's office for x-rays. Back home, without her around, things were so strange. There was no barking when someone walked by, no putting the trash can on top of the refrigerator when I left to run errands, no rolling of my eyes after seeing she had climbed onto my bed for her half-day nap, and I freely left a plate of food on the table when I went to answer the phone. That's just unheard of in this house.

That night, when we were still waiting to hear the radiologist's report, my husband and I couldn't help but look back and talk about the things we've been through with her...

Like the time she wrestled a 20 lb., frozen turkey out of the sink and to the floor. I came home, nauseous and pregnant to find bits of that raw bird everywhere.

She once ate a nursing pad, and my husband had to go through her stool for three days to make sure she had passed it. And, another time when she ate a nursing pad I had to induce vomiting with hydrogen peroxide, which resulted in something akin to the canine version of the Exorcist right in the middle of my kitchen.

There was the Thanksgiving shortly after she had surgery on her paws, when in the excitement of a road trip, she jumped up and dead-bolted the door with her lampshade collar, as we were outside packing the car...without our keys.

The many instances when my husband has let her off her leash to run, and she immediately heads for the stagnant pond water, then comes home smelling like a dead fish.

And, there's the time she jumped the fence, at midnight, when it was 15 degrees, snowing, and there was a howling wind. My husband drove around for hours, while I stood outside our front door hoping for a glimpse of her and wondering if she was all alone, freezing to death somewhere. Ah, good times, good times.

The morning after her x-rays, with her back home, we got back to our routine. She barked at cars and smeared nose juice and slobber all over the windows. I shut the bedroom doors so she wouldn't get on our beds, only to walk into the living room and find her sprawled across the love seat.

Everyone was back to saying, "Watch my food!" if they had to leave the table for any reason, and the fresh fruit on the kitchen counter was pushed back as far as we could get it.

The trash can was up on it's perch, and I found a knife, spoon and a plate on the floor which she had dragged out of the kitchen sink and licked clean.

That night, we got a call from the vet letting us know her x-rays didn't show any sign of cancer. I'm so glad she's okay, because now that I think about it, I'd like to wring her neck.

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Monday, March 10, 2008

The Blizzard Didn't Wreak Havoc, My Kids Did

Some of you may remember this view out my front window.

Here's what it looked like after the big snowstorm blew through on Saturday.

Which leaves me with some cleaning up to do in the back of the house...

...and in the front.

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Sunday, March 9, 2008

Wanna Borrow My Inhaler Honey?

My husband runs a half marathon every spring, and is now in training mode. Due to the 20 inch snowfall we had yesterday, he had to suck it up and run eight miles on my treadmill.

Our five year old son saw him plugging along and said to me, "Dad is running SO fast."

I replied, "He is, isn't he? He runs much faster than I do."

He looked at his father again, then said, "Yeah, but his face turns purple, just like yours does."

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Friday, March 7, 2008

Rotten Is As Rotten Does

My daughter was tossing a napkin back and forth between her hands, when my son looked at her and said, "You're going to drop that."

She continued her juggling act and replied, "No, I won't."

Then my son raised up his hand and swiftly knocked the napkin to the floor and said, "Told ya you'd drop it."

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Wednesday, March 5, 2008

My Left Foot

Our dog had a pretty rough day at the veterinarian’s office yesterday, so last night I climbed down on the floor to pet her and make her suffer through some of my puppy talk.

When I got up, I noticed something stuck to my sock.

Thank goodness that sticky eyeball wasn’t attached to my other foot, because then I’d have to show you my sock with holes, AND I’d have to tell you that they’re the socks I “borrowed” from an Aunt. See? Those faint lines near the hole are part of her name. It was written across the sock in case she misplaced them at her retirement home.

There's no doubt about husband is a lucky man.

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Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Then I Ordered A Double Saki

My husband and I took the kids out to dinner at a new Japanese steak house nearby. You know, the kind of restaurant where they make the food right at your table, with lots of fancy knife work, spatula egg-tossing, and volcanoes made out of onions.

After we started eating our meals, our chef wiped down the cooking area with a steaming hot cloth, then he scoured it front to back, and left to right.

And, as soon as the stainless steel surface was sparkling and clean, my five year old son lopped a forkful of rice right into the middle of it.

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Monday, March 3, 2008

I'm Better At Aggravating Him

The last time my husband and I went out for a "date night", things didn't start off so well. Within a few minutes of leaving the house, he made a comment, at which I kiddingly snapped a retort. A sarcastic bit of back-talk, if I must be honest. But, let's get something husband is the king of sarcasm, so it wasn't anything he's not used to dishing out himself.

But, since the two of us don't get out much together anymore, he said, "Just for tonight, let's not talk like that. Let's pretend we've been dating for two weeks."

I agreed.

And, after an evening of talking and laughing like we used to, we learned a very valuable lesson. It's really not easy to be that nice.

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Saturday, March 1, 2008

Oprah Cliffs Notes II

Last week, Oprah had a show on Freeganism. Freegans embrace an alternative lifestyle that is part Vegan, part dumpster diver. I'm all for scaling back, but these folks take things to a new level.

According to, “Freeganism is a total boycott of an economic system where the profit motive has eclipsed ethical considerations and where massively complex systems of productions ensure that all the products we buy will have detrimental impacts most of which we may never even consider”.

Confused? I am. If you ask me, that just sounds like gobbledygook.

So, let me break it down for you. Freegans believe that mass consumption is unethical, harmful, and just plain wrong. They live an all-around, minimalist lifestyle.

And, speaking of gobbledygook, this way of life includes going through other people’s garbage to collect things Freegans still find useful. Oprah showed us that this can be anything from eggs and fruit to furniture.

This is Madeline. Madeline was interviewed by reporter, Lisa Ling, while she made a dinner made from food which had come out of the trash. Though, Lisa didn’t eat because she had just stopped her SUV at a fast food restaurant and consumed a high-fat, processed meat-burger in a styrofoam box. Either that, or she wasn’t in the mood for eggplant with a side of shoelaces.

This is Daniel. Oprah introduced us to him and his wife. They are a doctor and an they should know better. Daniel once retrieved an Ab-Roller that someone threw away. There's a reason you found it in the garbage, Daniel. He and his wife frequently go through dumpsters and pull out food they feel is salvageable. Luckily, having a doctor in the family means they have easy access to antibiotics.

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