Labels: Creature Features, Kids

One evening, not long after we bought our house in 1998, I was home alone when I noticed a car slow down, then stop out front.  From my bedroom window I could see two men sitting in the front seat, looking up at my house.

They pulled away, but a few minutes later they were back.  This went on a few times...them slowing, then stopping in front of the house, then pulling away, only to return again.

As dark approached, I called my husband and asked him to hurry home.  Then I called my sister-in-law, who lived nearby.  Right after I hung up with her, I stood frozen in the dark corner of my living room as I saw one of the men peeking in the window just a few feet from where I was standing.

My first call was to the police (the man was caught and arrested at the end of my street) and my second call was to my husband to tell him that I wanted a dog.  Like, now.

A month later we went to look at a litter of Labradors.  I didn't pick out the snugly pup or the one who was covering me with kisses.  I chose the dog who was pulling my purse across the driveway.

Here's a hint...when choosing a puppy, the one who pulls your purse across the driveway may also turn out to be the one who drags a 25 lb., frozen turkey out of the kitchen sink and tears it to shreds that you find all over your house.

She may be the one who gets the trash can off the kitchen counter and spreads coffee grounds and dirty diapers in every room.

She could be the dog that you refer to as, "The Shark" because she eats everything in sight, including the entire box of doughnuts belonging to the construction workers down the street, a 12 inch tall, solid-chocolate bunny, a breast pad, and a ham shank that makes her leave piles of diarrhea and vomit all over the house. 

Also, that mess might just be discovered on your 30th birthday AND be smelled all the way from your garage.  Your detached garage.

Did I mention that she may jump the fence and run away frequently too?  So, you'll have that going for you.

But, she might also be the dog who fiercely protects you and viciously barks at anyone who even looks at your yard.  She could be the one thing that makes you feel safe in your own home, because you know she wouldn't let anyone hurt you.

She may be the most loyal partner you could ask for, but once you have a baby she leaves your side to go lay under the crib. 

She could be one of the best dogs you ever have.

But damn, it's going to hurt your heart bad when she gets old.

Fair warning.

Labels: Creature Features, Family Life, Photos, Ramblings

So, you know how you go to work in the school cafeteria in your $100 shoes that you bought because your plantar fasciitis was really acting up, and then suddenly the hip you've had problems with since you were 19 years old decides to make you start limping like you're elderly, and then you go home to find your one year old dog got your bottle of Ambien off of the counter and REMOVED THE CHILDPROOF LID, and you think that you can't call the vet because she will insist that you bring her in and they'll pump her stomach and it will cost you $800 and the dog will still die, so you look it up online and see that you should induce vomiting, so you give the dog some Hydrogen Peroxide and then she vomits the entire world in your backyard while you're walking around holding your ears and singing, "La-la, I can't hear you making that hacking sound and re-eating your own vomit", and then you go pick up your kids at school and your son has a fever and he cries so hard that he throws up too.

Yeah, me too.

Labels: Creature Features, Kids, Question of the Day, Ramblings

1. When it's almost 100 degrees and your son wants to walk around wearing nothing but underwear all day, you might just let him.

2. And, you might join him.

3. Which can be awkward when the Fed Ex guy rings your doorbell.

4. The row of zits across your hairline caused by perpetual sweat beads will try hard to outdo the mosquito bite on your forehead.

5. Then you may find yourself wishing you still had bangs.

6. Two panting dogs can make a real mess.

7. It's possible to drink 10 glasses of ice water in a day and still feel like there is sand in your mouth.

8. When it's time to leave your son's baseball game and you see everyone stand up and do a little shimmy, you may think they're dancing.

9. But, they're really just trying to dry out their crotches.

Labels: Creature Features, Ramblings, Random Realizations, Sports Shorts

So, you know how your husband's transmission needs to be repaired and the bill is over $2000, and that same night you realize that your refrigerator stopped working, and then then next day your car won't start and you can't even get your hood open, so you have to wait for AAA to come rescue you, and then your dog jumps up to get a ball off of the mantle, because that's where balls belong, and she knocks down your big picture and a crystal candle holder, you know...the one that's part of a pair...and there are glass shards everywhere, but that's okay because you have plenty of time to pick them up since the refrigerator repairman said he'd be there sometime between 8:00 and 5:00?

Yeah. Me too.

Labels: Creature Features, Photos, Question of the Day

Once upon a time there was a mistress named Momo who had two kids and a second set of kids who liked to do things like drink toilet water, eat squirrel poop and steal hamburgers right off the grill. That second set of kids are of the canine variety, though it is true that Momo's daughter also drank toilet water. Just that one time.

One day, Momo had the opportunity to attend a pet-blogging conference where she could meet a lot of wonderful writers, and pet owners, and companies with representatives who might just know what you can put on one dog's food to make the other dog stop eating its poop.

Momo's dogs were quite happy about this event! They were hoping that mistress Momo would bring home some treats, and some more treats, but more than anything they hoped she would come home and just throw the dang ball already.

Labels: Creature Features, Photos

Things that make me happy:

1. Easter.

2. Sunshine during spring break.

3. This surprise bouquet I received the other day. These flowers are pretty to look at and smell delightful.


Things that make me unhappy:

1. My dog, Daisy, who gets chronic staph infections and, this spring, threw in a yeast infection for good measure.

2. Vet bills totaling more than $800.00.

3. This shaved, yeast-infected neck. It does not look pretty and does not smell delightful.

Labels: Creature Features, Photos

Ever since I was a little girl, I have been scared of cats. As a child, when my next-door neighbor went on vacation she would pay me to open and shut her drapes, empty the litter box and feed her cat. You can probably tell I am old and this was a long time ago because I just used the word drapes.

That cat's name was Fluffy and he used to meet me at the door standing on his hind legs, hissing and baring his teeth. Fluffy was a jerk.

My husband grew up with a cat and my kids are constantly asking if we can get one. Never mind that we have two dogs and I could create something cat-like out of our dust bunnies. But, no! As far as us getting one, let's just say that pigs would need to be flying and a fat lady would have to be singing. Also, the devil would be very cold.

But, apparently my son really wants a cat, because when we were walking around the pet store the other day he was lamenting the fact that we don't have one.

I said, "I'm sorry, buddy, but I just don't like cats. I will never have one."

He thought about that as we approached the register then said, "Oh well. Maybe we can get a cat when you die."

Labels: Creature Features, Kids, Shameless Statements

A few weeks ago, I pulled a back muscle when I was lifting a case of water. What? Water is heavy. And, sloshy. After it happened, I told my boss that you never realize how much you use your back until you can't use it anymore.

On Wednesday night my husband suffered a grade 3 rupture of his gastrocnemius, which is a fancy way of saying he badly tore a big muscle in his calf. He was shooting hoops when it happened. Okay, not so much shooting hoops as he was coaching fifth-grade, girl's basketball. What? Dribbling around 11 year old girls is hard. Especially if you're 38.

Since then, he has been on crutches and unable to do much. And, let me just say that you never realize how much you use your husband until you can't use him anymore.

Every single morning, rain, shine, sleet or snow (in Ohio, it's mostly the rain, sleet and snow part) he walks our dogs. The 11 year old Labrador could probably survive without her daily jaunt, but there is no doubt that she is in such great shape because of my husband, so we like to keep her active.

However, the one year old Labrador, Daisy, needs this exercise. She needs it like I need water, and air and beer.

Every day, my husband walks three miles with the dogs. They run off-leash most of that distance and likely cover twice the ground he does. Then Daisy comes home with her thick tail whacking everything in its path, she grabs a toy, slobbers on my jeans and looks at me as if to say, "I'm just getting warmed up, lady. Let's play!"

Thanks to my husband's injury, for the past four days I have been walking the dogs. If you can call it that. It's more like getting pulled down to the park, letting them off-leash, then running 200 yards through shin-deep snow, in my big, clunky snow boots, to get Daisy because she has run off to steal another dog's ball.

It is exhausting and after only four days, my body is sore. My left hand is blistered, my ribs feel bruised, I have shin splits and my thigh muscles are like jello. It's a workout like none other.

I'm actually kind of hoping that I rupture my gastrocnemius.

Labels: Creature Features, My Better Half, Ramblings

1. If you once had a dog who ate a dead bat and you had to pull a string of wet, possibly-rabid bat out of her throat, you may think, "I have never seen anything so disgusting in my life."

2. When that same dog gets older and decides she likes to roll in other dog's poop and you find yourself giving her a bath and she does the wet dog shake and soaped-up poop goes flying all over your bathroom, you will realize you were wrong about the bat being disgusting.

3. And, 15 years later when you get a new puppy and see that she likes to roll in dead animals you may find yourself thinking, "If that's the worst thing she rolls in, things will be okay, because remember that one dog...who liked to roll in dog poop..."

4. Then on a day much like this past Saturday, your new puppy may roll around in horse poop and you'll think, "Well, it certainly can't get any worse than this."

5. But, it's possible that on the same day, after she's been bathed and sanitized, that puppy might suddenly decide she likes Mexican food and eat an entire bowl of salsa.

6. Which means you might stay up all night waiting for the explosive salsa-diarrhea you know will come.

7. But, it doesn't.

8. And you'll realize you stayed up all night for nothing.

9. Until the puppy throws up and it smells exactly like...horse poop.

10. And you may find yourself thinking, "Seriously? Why couldn't it smell like salsa?"

Labels: A Day in the Life, Creature Features, How to Lose Readers, Random Realizations

My 11 year old daughter and I were discussing the insane amount of dog hair our vacuum picks up when I told her that after our puppy dies, her dad and I will likely never get another dog.

"But, you have to get another dog!", she cried.

I asked, "Why do you care? By the time Daisy gets old, you and your brother will probably have moved out of the house."

Then she replied, "Because when we come home from Hollywood or New York to visit, we'll want to have a dog to play with."

Labels: Creature Features, Family Life, Kids, Shameless Statements

When my daughter was two years old, I was making the bed one day when she came out of our bathroom chugging a glass of water.

I said, "Boy, you sure are thirsty!" Then I realized that I hadn't heard any water running. I walked over to find a liquid trail from the doorway to where she had dunked her cup into the toilet. But, at least it was clean water. You know, with that bleach tablet in the tank and all.

Other than that, and my son once taking a sip of dishwasher rinse aid, I haven't had to call poison control. However, if there was an emergency service to ask whether the dogs were going to die because of something they ate, I would have it on speed-dial.

Our 11 year old Labrador has been the worst culprit. There was the time she ate an enormous, solid, chocolate bunny, the time a chicken bone slipped out of my fingers and she caught it in mid-air and swallowed it whole, and my personal favorite...when she ate a breast pad when I was pumping for my daughter. By the way, there is something infinitely wonderful about a man who will go through the dog's poop to make sure your breast pad hasn't entangled itself in the mutt's intestines. Hi honey!

As for the new puppy...she has a penchant for dead squirrels, dead birds and my son's vomit.

And, that bleach-filled toilet water? It turns out the dogs like that too. I suppose I should count my blessings because my kids never ate any breast pads.

Tell me boys and girls, what's the worst thing your kids (or pets) have ever ingested?

Labels: Creature Features, How to Lose Readers, Kids

To my son:

"Maybe if you would have gone to the bathroom when I told you to, I wouldn't be standing in the shower holding your piece of cheese and trying to wash my hair one-handed!"

"Is that stain on your jacket from when you threw up phlegm at recess or is it a blood stain from yesterday's loose tooth?"

"Hurry up and go poop!"

To the puppy:

"Get your butt off my new throw pillow!"

"Get your butt off my laptop!"

"Hurry up and go poop!"

To my daughter:

"The puppy ate your soccer ball."

To a newly purchased cleaning product:

"Your bottle says 'streak-free shine'. You are not streak-free shining."

To the television:

"Wow. Rick Springfield has had some work done."

To my husband, when he asked me suggestively what was for dessert:

"Chocolate chip cookies."

Labels: A Day in the Life, Creature Features, Family Life, Ramblings, Shameless Statements, Things I Said

I know what it looks like, but ambulance chasers need not apply. Daisy is wearing that collar because she didn't get rear-ended.

Labels: Creature Features, Photos

I want know why she doesn't ever chew on Ken?

(Congratulations to Middle Aged Woman! You won Monday's giveaway of Rage Against the Meshugenah.)

Labels: Creature Features, Photos

This is Daisy. She is six months old and weighs 55 pounds. She likes to sneak up and pounce on people, and on 11 year old dogs.

Blue hates Daisy.

And, because I spend my entire day yelling, "Dogs! I mean it! Quit your fighting!" I think I need to buy this shirt.

Labels: Creature Features

1. If your son decides to eat some fruit, make sure he doesn't leave 1/4 of a watermelon sitting out where your puppy can eat it...rind and all.

2. When you are driving a car to Chicago that is on loan from a very nice company (Hi Chevy!) you may want to make sure you know where the windshield wipers are before you go driving in the rain.

3. And, when removing a very heavy, rear seat from said car, make sure you don't let it swing down and hit you in the ovary.

4. The summer breeze through the screen door isn't quite as bug-free if your five month old, 50 pound puppy goes right through it to get to the mailman.

5. Ironing on a humid day is not fun.

6. No matter how prepared you are for a trip out of town to meet a thousand people, you will never be prepared for the zit you'll get. In your eyebrow.

7. If you think the Vietnamese people at the nail salon are talking about you, that's because they are.

8. No matter how crazy your kids make you and no matter how much they fight, when they are not home the silence will be deafening and you'll miss them a lot.

9. When you are on a sugar-free diet and there is homemade wine in your refrigerator, it's pretty much torture.

10. No really. Ironing totally stinks.

Labels: Creature Features, Kids, Ramblings, Random Realizations

1. The public library is pretty much the biggest scam on the planet. Free books, free music, free movies for everyone! Take five books if you want...we trust you.

2. If my son can do something he knows is wrong, he will.

3. I love watching my kids play ball in the summer, but by the time July rolls around with her 90 degree heat and 90% humidity, and her peri-menopausal, PMS attitude (oh wait...that's me) I'm kind of over it. And, at least half of me secretly hopes they don't make it to the tournaments.

4. If you happen to be sitting under a tree at your daughter's softball game and a big purple glob plops onto your shirt and pants, you will be disgusted because you think it's bird poop. Then you will be really relieved when you realize it's just a rotten mulberry.

5. I have had bad headaches since I was eight years old. Last Tuesday, I eliminated sugar from my diet and I haven't had a headache since. You would think this would make me stop eating chocolate forever. You would be wrong.

6. When someone asks me if I'm doing Atkins or South Beach and I tell them I'm doing the Suzanne Somers diet and they laugh at me, is it wrong for me to hit them over the head with a Thighmaster?

7. Heterosexual men shouldn't walk miniature poodles. Okay to own. Not okay to walk.

8. My 10 year old daughter waits to cut her toenails until I begin referring to them as talons.

9. I asked her if she would mind if I shared that toenail tidbit, and she said, "Not as long as you post a picture of them."

10. I wouldn't do that to you.

11. If you buy a black lab puppy from a breeder because the bloodlines are healthy, and in the first eight weeks that you have her she gets a UTI, mites, two staph infections, anemia, drinks latex paint and eats a rock, you're going to want to kick yourself for not going to the pound and getting a mutt. You'll also want to kick the breeder.

12. Then you'll see her adorable puppy face and none of that will even matter.

Labels: Creature Features, Ramblings, Random Realizations

My seven year old son is blatantly honest. This boy once told a cashier that she looked like a fish and told a TV repairman that he looked like Santa because of his big, round belly.

He has mentioned to a good friend of mine that she has a huge forehead, he touched the face of my husband's co-worker and told her that he liked her "little mole" and he once saw two Muslim women wearing headscarves, mistook those headscarves for bandannas, and then called them both pirates.

I never know what he will say.

The other day our puppy, Daisy, wouldn't stop throwing up. After a trip to the vet, a half-dozen x-rays and a barium study, her doctor sent us home with some special canned food and a bottle of Pepcid.

That afternoon, my son was sitting on my lap when he eyed one of Daisy's toys sitting on the floor; a ball you fill with kibble that she can roll around until the treats fall out.

He asked, "Can I put some little bones in Daisy's ball?"

I replied, "No. Not today, buddy. She can't have anything hard right now. The vet gave us those cans because the food inside is soft and squishy."

Then he ran his hand up my sleeve and said, "Oh. Like your arms."

Labels: Creature Features, Kids, Shameless Statements

It is every parent's hope and dream that their children will turn out better than they did. We wish for better opportunities, less stress and more intelligence for our offspring.

When I play with our new puppy, Daisy, I get down on the floor and talk in puppy language. I say things like, "Let me rub that super-duper, pupper-wupper, Buddha, frog belly and those oogley-googley ears!"

Yesterday, my ten year old daughter was romping on the floor with Daisy when I heard her say, "Daisy! How in the world can you be holding me down when you don't even have opposable thumbs?"

If our puppy talk is any indication, this kid already has me beat in the intelligence department.

Labels: Creature Features, Family Life, Kids, Shameless Statements