1.  If your husband spends his Sunday morning running a marathon and you spend the same Sunday morning chasing him around the city, with two kids and you hold an eight year old on your shoulders for an hour, you will both be sore.

2.  If you're driving to and from mile markers for hours, you will have to stop at Tim Horton's for breakfast and Wendy's for lunch.  You know, out of necessity.  Your husband, on the other hand, will run 26.2 miles on two bananas and some peanut butter crackers.

3.  When you spend 45 minutes creating a great sign that says things like, "Keep it up!" and "Be strong!", don't be surprised if your son sees your finished project and decides that your sign is the perfect paper on which to stamp a pink butterfly.

4.  Don't be shocked when you walk nine blocks to your viewing spot and as soon as you arrive, your son tells you he has to poop.

5.  Which is why you should always store a training potty and kitty litter bags in the back of your SUV.

6.  Then you will count your blessings that your eight year old is still small enough to use it.

7.  Much in the same way that when you have been playing in the ocean, you can later close your eyes and still feel the waves...when you watch a marathon full of people go by, you will later close your eyes and see runners.

8.  When your husband approaches the finish line and your daughter sneaks through the fence to run the last stretch with him, you will feel so much pride that your heart might burst.

9.  Then you'll watch your husband complete his race to the sound of applause and cheers of the crowd.

10.  And you will listen, then cringe, as the race announcer mispronounces his name.

Labels: Kids, My Better Half, Random Realizations

1. If you spend 13 days in five different cities (and six different beds), you will grow very weary of checking for bedbugs.

2. Manhattan in August is hot, dirty and smells a lot like pee.

3. The Eastern Shore of Virginia in August is hot, sandy and smells a lot like fish.

4. But, that smell is totally worth it when your brother-in-law takes your husband and kids fishing and they come home with fresh crab and flounder for dinner.

5. Busch Gardens Williamsburg is ridiculously expensive. Nine bucks for four mozzarella sticks and a cup of strawberries for the kids' snack, on top of $55.00 admission tickets and $18.00 parking IS. JUST. WRONG.

6. If you buy a hotel room through Priceline, apparently the staff doesn't have to guarantee you a room at their hotel...but rather, any room at any hotel. This means you might end up booking at a Hyatt and end up at a Quality Inn.

7. And, you might take your Ambien in the parking lot of the Hyatt just before you (think you're going to) check-in, only to be told you have to drive 10 miles, through the completely foreign city of Pittsburgh, all while arguing with the staff and watching people who arrived AFTER you get a room because they're paying full price.

8. You will never use Priceline or stay at a Hyatt again.

9. Then you will use your blog for evil paybacks. Mwah ha ha!!

10. The speed limit in West Virginia through the Allegheny Mountains is 70mph. This is also referred to as the "place where Momo gets itchy armpits and yells at her husband a lot".

11. After non-stop travel to points in West Virginia, Virginia, Pennsylvania, New York, and almost Maryland...Ohio will never seem so good.

12. Because that is where your bed is.

13. And you don't have to check for any bugs.

Labels: BlogHer, Insomnia, Random Realizations, Traveling

1. When it's almost 100 degrees and your son wants to walk around wearing nothing but underwear all day, you might just let him.

2. And, you might join him.

3. Which can be awkward when the Fed Ex guy rings your doorbell.

4. The row of zits across your hairline caused by perpetual sweat beads will try hard to outdo the mosquito bite on your forehead.

5. Then you may find yourself wishing you still had bangs.

6. Two panting dogs can make a real mess.

7. It's possible to drink 10 glasses of ice water in a day and still feel like there is sand in your mouth.

8. When it's time to leave your son's baseball game and you see everyone stand up and do a little shimmy, you may think they're dancing.

9. But, they're really just trying to dry out their crotches.

Labels: Creature Features, Ramblings, Random Realizations, Sports Shorts

1. The end of May brings about the perfect storm: cookouts, graduation parties and scurrying around at the last minute trying to put some teachers' gifts together.

2. Throw in a kid with a sinus infection and a mom who has had two migraines in the last four days and it's the storm of the century.

3. And, you'll have the longest break in blogging since the swine flu/pneumonia diagnosis/pulmonary embolism scare of 2009.

4. The shot of Toradol your doctor gives you may not help your pain and the Treximet he wants you to try might make you feel like your skin is wiggling off of your body and cause you to throw up your beef Quesadilla.

5. But, he could prescribe you some Ambien.

6. Which makes everything much better.

7. Though, if you get another migraine, you might want to stab yourself in the temple.

8. Which would make a good blog post, but it could totally ruin your carpet.

Labels: Ramblings, Random Realizations

1. When spring rolls around with her warm breezes and gentle rain, and the air outside is rich with the scent of lilacs, my old house starts to smell like wet dog and rotten wood.

2. When school softball, summer softball, track, baseball, going away parties, graduation parties and weddings all start to overlap, I begin to think I should increase my dosage of Zoloft.

3. Throw in a spring musical and it's time to get my Ambien refilled too.

4. But, taking Ambien makes me get on Twitter and say things like this: 'There is missional impossible musci blarking behind my head and it makes me want to put on black leggies and snaek around nmy houser'.

5. And, this: 'Now t here 's a baby crying and it's making my ovaries hurt. If I start lactating, that will just be weired'.

6. Then people named AmbienRehab start following me on Twitter.

7. My family likes to spend time playing the Wii together, but Super Mario Bros. was invented by someone with a sick and twisted view of family togetherness.

8. My son jumps around on his Hippity-Hop so much that he looks like he has a permanent, blue hemorrhoid.

9. If you go to a wine tasting and the Sommelier starts talking about "shoulders" in your wine, you may think you drank too much.

10. And, if your husband hasn't had dinner and attends the same wine tasting, he may eat half a cheeseball made of Jarlsberg cheese.

11. So when next year's invitation doesn't arrive, we shouldn't be all that surprised.

Labels: Family Life, House of Horrors, Insomnia, My Better Half, Ramblings, Random Realizations

My family and I visited an indoor water park over the weekend; here is what I learned.

1. If the water in the toddler pool is warmer than the big kids' pool, there is probably a reason for it.

2. Either having a lot of medical procedures has toughened up my son, or he is immune to pain, because after he got tossed off his raft in the wave pool, knocked over another kid as he tumbled under the water, slid along the ground for five feet and came up bloodied, he got right back on his raft.

3. Going down a slide in a giant family tube is a lot of fun.

4. If your friend is bitter because you're leaving the water park to go watch Ohio State play in the NCAA tournament and she says, "I hope they lose" and then they do, you'll hope she doesn't own your likeness in voodoo form.

5. Teenage girls should wear bigger bathing suits.

6. My son needs his back waxed.

7. I need to lose weight.

8. So do a lot of other people.

9. If your son is 43" tall and he climbs steps that are the height of his knees, and there are five flights of those steps to get to one of his favorite slides...that won't stop him from wanting to do it again and again.

10. Kids can go for hours and climb lots of steps on cold pop-tarts alone.

11. Later, they'll practically inhale an entire Big Boy franchise for lunch.

12. And they'll sleep peacefully all the way home.

Labels: Family Life, Kids, Random Realizations

1. If you work in a school kitchen and introduce your seven year old son to some of the delivery people, you may find him telling the milkman all about his lactose intolerance.

2. When your husband quits his job and the next day he tears his calf muscle and needs an MRI and a walking boot and physical therapy, then two weeks later your son gets an ear infection, and a few days after that you get a sinus infection that requires five antibiotic pills that cost $178.00, you may find out that your husband's former employer didn't give him any grace period and instead canceled his health insurance the DAY HE LEFT.

3. And you may find yourself wanting to tell everyone you know what a horrible, greedy, downright nasty company for which your husband used to work.

4. Then you may consider using your blog for evil purposes.

5. Twitter and Facebook too.

6. If you spend months considering whether or not to have your hair shortened, and you finally muster the guts to have five inches cut off, it's possible no one will notice.

7. Except for your husband.

8. And he knew you were going to get your hair cut.

9. If your family gets Super Mario Bros. for the Wii, you may find it brings about some extra-special, family bonding time.

10. Or, maybe everyone will just yell at each other a lot.

11. The DVR is the best invention ever, especially when you're using it to fast forward through American Idol.

12. But, then you might get spoiled and think you can fast forward through your laundry.

13. And then you will be sorely disappointed.

Labels: Family Life, Lunch Lady Land, Ramblings, Random Realizations

1. If, over the holidays, you ate your weight in peanut butter blossoms and chocolate nut clusters, you may want to consider that it's time for a diet.

2. If you decide on a low-carb diet then, by all means, make sure you work in a place where homemade apple crisp is made so that you can test your willpower when you smell it.

3. And you see it.

4. And you watch 200 kids eating it.

5. If your low-carb diet allows you to eat certain carbs, like Grape Nuts and Shredded Wheat, they will taste like the best treat you've ever had.

6. Then you may find yourself going through a lot of Grape Nuts.

7. And toilet paper.

8. You may think that bread baked without flour is the worst thing you've ever tasted.

9. Until you try milled flax seed and soy hot cereal.

10. Even if you add a lot of cinnamon.

11. And Splenda.

12. If you are at the grocery store you might find yourself standing in the frozen food section seriously considering the purchase of low-carb ice cream.

13. But, then the rational part of you will realize that you'll end up eating nothing but ice cream.

14. Then you may find yourself going home and being thankful that your pants feel just a little more loose.

15. And you'll celebrate.

16. With a bowl of Grape Nuts.

Labels: Dieting, Ramblings, Random Realizations

1. You know you've seen a lot of snow when the meteorologists are predicting six to nine more inches and you think, "Please. That's nothing but a dusting."

2. Winter storm warnings take on a whole new meaning when there are icicles as tall as your children hanging from your gutters and trees.

3. You may forget about those icicles until you're grabbing the morning paper and you open the front door only to have a dozen of them fall on your head.

4. No matter how many times you go to the grocery store, if it's a snow day you will suddenly be out of bread and milk.

5. And, beer.

6. If your one year old puppy enjoys chewing on ice cubes, she will really enjoy eating the huge, filthy chunks of ice that fall off of cars as they drive down your street.

7. If you have two children and a husband who walks three miles every morning, there will be so many wet clothes that your dryer will work overtime.

8. So will your mop.

9. There are not enough movies, or games, or jigsaw puzzles to get kids through two weeks of snow storms.

10. Which means there is not enough patience to get a frazzled mom through them either.

Labels: Ramblings, Random Realizations

1. If you once had a dog who ate a dead bat and you had to pull a string of wet, possibly-rabid bat out of her throat, you may think, "I have never seen anything so disgusting in my life."

2. When that same dog gets older and decides she likes to roll in other dog's poop and you find yourself giving her a bath and she does the wet dog shake and soaped-up poop goes flying all over your bathroom, you will realize you were wrong about the bat being disgusting.

3. And, 15 years later when you get a new puppy and see that she likes to roll in dead animals you may find yourself thinking, "If that's the worst thing she rolls in, things will be okay, because remember that one dog...who liked to roll in dog poop..."

4. Then on a day much like this past Saturday, your new puppy may roll around in horse poop and you'll think, "Well, it certainly can't get any worse than this."

5. But, it's possible that on the same day, after she's been bathed and sanitized, that puppy might suddenly decide she likes Mexican food and eat an entire bowl of salsa.

6. Which means you might stay up all night waiting for the explosive salsa-diarrhea you know will come.

7. But, it doesn't.

8. And you'll realize you stayed up all night for nothing.

9. Until the puppy throws up and it smells exactly like...horse poop.

10. And you may find yourself thinking, "Seriously? Why couldn't it smell like salsa?"

Labels: A Day in the Life, Creature Features, How to Lose Readers, Random Realizations

1. If you happen to be home on a Sunday afternoon and are expecting a camera crew from a major national magazine to stop by, you may find it beneficial to empty the liquid from a glass like this into your belly. Twice.


2. Then you'll still be nervous.

3. If the photographer has told you that he will be shooting pictures in your kitchen and in your garage, make sure you spend two days cleaning your kitchen.

4. Then realize that you haven't touched the rusted paint cans, dried leaves and random pieces of cardboard in your garage until two hours before he arrives.

5. At which time you may beg your husband to clean it for you.

6. There may also be be shrieking involved.

7. If the magazine for which you're posing has a circulation of roughly 4 million, you may find it is a perfect time to a) wax your own eyebrows, b) experiment with liquid eyeliner and c) forget to test your hairspray nozzle so that it doesn't so much spray as it does shoot a solid stream of liquid into your fresh curls.

8. As soon as the crew sets up their equipment and has your kitchen completely blocked off with lights, wires and big umbrellas, your kids will tell you that they're hungry.


9. If you happen to be busty then, by all means, pick a button down shirt for the shoot so that every time the photographer asks you to put your hands on your hips it pops open at just the right spot.

10. Then it will be like you're posing for an entirely different type of magazine.

Labels: Photos, Random Realizations, Tooting My Own Horn

1. You know you are a true chocoholic when you realize there isn't a chocolate nut cluster in the world that stands a chance against you.

2. Or, a peanut butter blossom.

3. If your son has never had an instance where he has scratched his crotch in public, you can be sure he will do it for the first time in the middle of his school Christmas play.

4. When he's standing directly in front of the principal.

5. And, you can be sure he'll do it for a second time when he's performing during the children's Christmas Eve Mass.

6. While standing in front of an entire congregation.

7. And your priest.

8. You may underestimate how bad of a charades player your sister says she is, until she acts out West Side Story by simply belting out, "Maria..."

9. If your daughter gets a camera for Christmas, it's possible that she will think she is the next Annie Lebovitz and you will have to pose for pictures for days on end.

10. And, during those days on end when you've been living off of beer, wine, egg nog, rum, Bailey's and apple pie, you probably won't look very pretty in those photographs.

11. When you are 38 years old and your parents still spoil you, you'll feel like a kid again.

12. If you are participating in a White Elephant gift exchange, you won't feel so bad about contributing something tacky when you receive a clock from 1982. With dust on it.

13. If you have to make three different trips to the carry out in the middle of your family gathering, you will realize that you are related to a forgetful bunch.

14. Either that, or they drink a lot.

Labels: Family Life, Random Realizations

1. If your 75 year old mother is preparing to move and keeps telling you how hard it is because she "has so much stuff", you won't believe her until you see it for yourself.

2. Because apparently you can't have too many vases.

3. Or soap dishes.

4. Or canister sets.

5. And, clearly, everyone needs a set of everyday dishes and three separate sets of fine china.

6. Your sister, who lives with your mother part-time, and who was home ALL summer, may suddenly disappear to northern Ohio for "grad school" and "trade shows" and won't come home from the time your mother decides to move, until one week after the move is completed.

7. Which leaves you to pack her stuff up.

8. And, when I say "pack" I mean put her things into hodge-podge boxes, cart them across town, lug them into the new house and up a flight of steps, then throw them in a corner.

9. Your sister is lucky you love her.

10. Because she's a pack-rat.

11. You may be really excited to have this Friday off work, only to realize your mom really wants you to paint her new living room and dining room.

12. Your mom is lucky you love her too.

13. And when your mom lives just two minutes away instead of 25 minutes away, all of this will be worth it.

Labels: Family Life, Random Realizations, The Places in My Neighborhood

1. After three weeks, "taking it easy" becomes completely overrated.

2. Daytime television is horrible, but middle-of-the-night television is even worse. At one point, you may find yourself so desperate that you watch an episode of Three's Company. Shudder.

3. After two chest x-rays and a lung scan where you have to breathe radioactive gas through a tube, you'll realize that if the flu, pneumonia or possible pulmonary embolism won't kill you, the radiation eventually will.

4. Chicken and noodles is good.

5. Pain medicine is even better.

6. You may be so out of it that you won't realize new carpet is being installed until it's already been laid, covered with mud and cleaned up.

7. When no one will come near you, your dog's affection is absolutely wonderful.

8. Even if that dog stinks.

9. Once you feel better and tell people you're no longer contagious they will still take two steps back if you come near them.

10. You may come home from the hospital to find flowers, home-cooked food and groceries all over your kitchen.

11. And then you will realize how lucky you really are.

Labels: Ramblings, Random Realizations, Swine Flu

1. When you are celebrating your 12th anniversary, it is a good idea to take a road trip with your husband so the two of you can reconnect without the kids or the dogs around.

2. But, you may find that you are so tired because of insomnia which has plagued you for 11 of those 12 years, that you will sleep the entire way to your destination.

3. Which seriously prevents that reconnecting stuff.

4. When your husband stops near the hotel and asks where he can find a carry-out, you may be surprised to find yourself looking for a place called The Whore House. And, when you see it's actually named The Pour House, and that your husband misheard, you'll feel a lot better about spending your money there.


5. Staying in a nice hotel and taking a bubble bath in a jacuzzi tub with no kids around, will seem a like a little slice of heaven.

6. Seafood buffets in the Midwest can be really good and even though eating oysters on the half-shell in Indiana will seem insane, you will do it anyway.

7. Splurging on a seafood buffet the night before your anniversary means you will eat Burger King for lunch on your actual anniversary.

8. When you get home, even though it's been a decade since you last saw it, your husband won't want to watch your wedding video again.

9. Instead you'll sit in your regular spot on the love seat and look over at him in his regular spot on the couch.

10. Then you'll hope for many more years of seeing him right there.

Labels: My Better Half, Ramblings, Random Realizations

It is late Monday night and my family and I just got home from two days at Cedar Point, in Sandusky, Ohio which is arguably the best amusement park in the world. Here are my observations...

1. If you have any short-shorts, then by all means, wear them! They are best paired with a halter top and a large belly.

2. People with dirty toenails shouldn't wear sandals.

3. When you stand in line for an hour with thousands of people in 95 degree heat, things are going to get real stinky.

4. I hate ferris wheels.

5. I love roller coasters.

6. $4.15 for a 22 ounce fountain drink is a complete rip-off.

7. My inner ear isn't what it used to be.

8. Dramamine is awesome!

9. When your seven year old son will only ride in things that are red, you may want to call his doctor to further discuss his OCD tendencies.

10. You might be in such a huge hurry to get into the park in the morning, that at the end of the day you will forget where you parked. Then you will cry.

11. The shower you take after a day at the amusement park is the best shower you will ever take.

12. When your son bursts into tears and says, "I want to live at Cedar Point!" all of the above will be totally worth it.

Labels: A Day in the Life, Family Life, Kids, Ramblings, Random Realizations

1. If your son decides to eat some fruit, make sure he doesn't leave 1/4 of a watermelon sitting out where your puppy can eat it...rind and all.

2. When you are driving a car to Chicago that is on loan from a very nice company (Hi Chevy!) you may want to make sure you know where the windshield wipers are before you go driving in the rain.

3. And, when removing a very heavy, rear seat from said car, make sure you don't let it swing down and hit you in the ovary.

4. The summer breeze through the screen door isn't quite as bug-free if your five month old, 50 pound puppy goes right through it to get to the mailman.

5. Ironing on a humid day is not fun.

6. No matter how prepared you are for a trip out of town to meet a thousand people, you will never be prepared for the zit you'll get. In your eyebrow.

7. If you think the Vietnamese people at the nail salon are talking about you, that's because they are.

8. No matter how crazy your kids make you and no matter how much they fight, when they are not home the silence will be deafening and you'll miss them a lot.

9. When you are on a sugar-free diet and there is homemade wine in your refrigerator, it's pretty much torture.

10. No really. Ironing totally stinks.

Labels: Creature Features, Kids, Ramblings, Random Realizations

1. The public library is pretty much the biggest scam on the planet. Free books, free music, free movies for everyone! Take five books if you want...we trust you.

2. If my son can do something he knows is wrong, he will.

3. I love watching my kids play ball in the summer, but by the time July rolls around with her 90 degree heat and 90% humidity, and her peri-menopausal, PMS attitude (oh wait...that's me) I'm kind of over it. And, at least half of me secretly hopes they don't make it to the tournaments.

4. If you happen to be sitting under a tree at your daughter's softball game and a big purple glob plops onto your shirt and pants, you will be disgusted because you think it's bird poop. Then you will be really relieved when you realize it's just a rotten mulberry.

5. I have had bad headaches since I was eight years old. Last Tuesday, I eliminated sugar from my diet and I haven't had a headache since. You would think this would make me stop eating chocolate forever. You would be wrong.

6. When someone asks me if I'm doing Atkins or South Beach and I tell them I'm doing the Suzanne Somers diet and they laugh at me, is it wrong for me to hit them over the head with a Thighmaster?

7. Heterosexual men shouldn't walk miniature poodles. Okay to own. Not okay to walk.

8. My 10 year old daughter waits to cut her toenails until I begin referring to them as talons.

9. I asked her if she would mind if I shared that toenail tidbit, and she said, "Not as long as you post a picture of them."

10. I wouldn't do that to you.

11. If you buy a black lab puppy from a breeder because the bloodlines are healthy, and in the first eight weeks that you have her she gets a UTI, mites, two staph infections, anemia, drinks latex paint and eats a rock, you're going to want to kick yourself for not going to the pound and getting a mutt. You'll also want to kick the breeder.

12. Then you'll see her adorable puppy face and none of that will even matter.

Labels: Creature Features, Ramblings, Random Realizations

1. If you have two dogs, and two kids who often clog the toilet, you're going to be dealing with a lot of poop.

2. I cried yesterday because a little boy was nice to my son. Never underestimate the power of teaching your child to be a good friend.

3. I like to wear my size 11, orange Crocs...mostly just to embarrass my daughter, who calls them my "clown shoes".


4. Insomnia is slowly killing me.

5. The LOST season finale was Wednesday night and I am kind of freaking out about what I'm going to do when the series ends next year.

6. Freaking out about a TV show going off the air is pretty sad.

7. I am reading an advance copy of "Rage Against the Meshugenah". A raw look at male depression by Danny Evans from Dad Gone Mad. A book which made me laugh AND cry in the prologue.

8. You should buy that book.

9. A puppy with a UTI is really hard to housetrain.

10. Dogs will take any pill as long as it's wrapped in cheese.

11. I like beer.

12. My husband works really hard and very long hours.

13. I miss my husband.

14. I will be 38 in a couple of weeks and realized I have been telling people that I'm 38 for the last year.

15. I love my little blog.

Labels: Photos, Ramblings, Random Realizations