My son came home from school today and as we reviewed some first grade papers I said, "Tell me about your day, buddy. What did everyone bring for show and tell?"

He replied, "Well, some people brought stuffed dogs, and a kid brought Lightning McQueen and one girl brought a doll."

"Wow. That sounds like some cool stuff. What else did people share?"

He jumped with excitement, "Oh! One kid brought a great, big yogurt!"

"A big yogurt?"

"Yeah! Its name was Shrek."

Labels: Kids, Shameless Statements

While riding in the car last night my seven year old son said, "Mom, I can't decide if I want to be a vet or a magician when I grow up."

He paused briefly then said, "So I think I'm just going to become a magician and make pets disappear."

Labels: Kids, Shameless Statements

1. When you are celebrating your 12th anniversary, it is a good idea to take a road trip with your husband so the two of you can reconnect without the kids or the dogs around.

2. But, you may find that you are so tired because of insomnia which has plagued you for 11 of those 12 years, that you will sleep the entire way to your destination.

3. Which seriously prevents that reconnecting stuff.

4. When your husband stops near the hotel and asks where he can find a carry-out, you may be surprised to find yourself looking for a place called The Whore House. And, when you see it's actually named The Pour House, and that your husband misheard, you'll feel a lot better about spending your money there.


5. Staying in a nice hotel and taking a bubble bath in a jacuzzi tub with no kids around, will seem a like a little slice of heaven.

6. Seafood buffets in the Midwest can be really good and even though eating oysters on the half-shell in Indiana will seem insane, you will do it anyway.

7. Splurging on a seafood buffet the night before your anniversary means you will eat Burger King for lunch on your actual anniversary.

8. When you get home, even though it's been a decade since you last saw it, your husband won't want to watch your wedding video again.

9. Instead you'll sit in your regular spot on the love seat and look over at him in his regular spot on the couch.

10. Then you'll hope for many more years of seeing him right there.

Labels: My Better Half, Ramblings, Random Realizations

I know what it looks like, but ambulance chasers need not apply. Daisy is wearing that collar because she didn't get rear-ended.

Labels: Creature Features, Photos

A long, long time ago I had a career. I left that life when my daughter was born and since that time I have tried my best to bring money in. I have run my own business, sold merchandise on e-bay, worked on a contract basis for a local company and was employed by my husband. Now I have this blog, which really helps pay the bills. The gumball bills.

Almost a year ago, I wrote a post about my new job as a second-grade teacher's aide. I worked the 2008/2009 school year in a classroom where I checked papers, listened to reading homework and helped 30 kids make abacuses out of pipe cleaners and Froot Loops. Where is Toucan Sam when you really need him?

That job served a great purpose. My son, with all his issues, had me right there in the building with him. If the teacher needed me, if my son needed me, if he was following the principal around like a mime...I could easily help.

My boy made it through half-day kindergarten like a champ and I'm certain he is ready for first grade, but there is still this one problem. He sometimes chokes when he eats.

And that is why I am starting another new job today. In the cafeteria.

That's right. I own it. But, check out these benefits! I get more hours, I might learn something about cooking, I get to talk to adults, I still have the same days off as my children which means I never have to worry about child-care, I get to wear jeans, I will don a baseball cap instead of a hairnet...and I might just get to save my kid's life.

You can't really ask for a better job than that.

Labels: Lunch Lady Land, Ramblings

My family has always used Portuguese words when referring to things you wouldn't want other people to hear you say in public. Mainly, this is done for private body parts and private body functions.

Though a Brazilian neighbor of my sister recently told us we were pronouncing almost everything incorrectly, and that the endearing phrase we use with our toddlers doesn't sound as sweet when you find out that we are not saying, "Come here and let me pinch your behind." Instead we are saying, "Come here and let me pinch your ass."

My husband has accepted this odd vernacular, with the exception of a couple of "boy parts". Instead of using (mangled) Portuguese, he has taught our seven year old son to say, "balls" as if the kid has morphed into a 45 year old Italian. It's like having a miniature Marlon Brando standing in my living room. "Mom, the lining of my sailboat bathing suit is really hurting my BAWLZ."

But last week, things changed a little. At the cabin where we were vacationing, there was a hot tub. My husband explained that it isn't okay for boys to spend time lounging in a hot tub because the extreme temperature can hurt the "little babies" he has inside him.

When we said there were babies our son took us literally. Though he didn't grasp the concept that there were millions of them, but instead assumed that each testicle was a child. He even named them. Racer and Jennifer. I spent an entire evening trying to get him to understand that Racer and Jennifer would not come out when he pees.

The next day, we were at the pool when my husband noticed our son had stopped swimming and was talking to a woman sitting on the edge. She kept looking over her shoulder at us and smiling. Eventually, I called to him, "Go back to swimming and let that nice lady relax."

The woman turned and waved. Then she said, "It's okay! He's telling me about his babies."

Labels: Family Life, Kids, My Better Half, Shameless Statements

I am currently with my husband and two kids in a place we lovingly refer to as the "boogie woods". We are deep in the hills of southern Ohio, where there is (egads) no wi-fi. What withdrawal? I am typing this from our cabin rental office. What blog addiction? Thank goodness we're heading home soon. I'm starting to itch.

Before our trip to the hills, we spent two days together at an amusement park. If the four of us haven't been in the car, we've either been in a little hotel room or in a very small, A-frame cabin.

Yesterday, we all took a canoe trip. Four of us, four paddles, four life-jackets, two fishing nets and a cooler in one boat. It was togetherness at its finest.

After about a half hour on the river, we noticed storm clouds rolling in and thunder started rumbling. We luckily found a concrete bridge under which we took shelter while pounding rain came down around us.

While we waited for the storm to pass, the kids began to get restless. I tried to think quickly and said, "Why don't we play a game? Let's go through the alphabet and take turns coming up with words that have to do with our vacation." My husband was at the back of the canoe, so I told him to go first.

He replied, "Okay. A is for arguing."

Labels: Family Life, My Better Half, Ramblings

It is late Monday night and my family and I just got home from two days at Cedar Point, in Sandusky, Ohio which is arguably the best amusement park in the world. Here are my observations...

1. If you have any short-shorts, then by all means, wear them! They are best paired with a halter top and a large belly.

2. People with dirty toenails shouldn't wear sandals.

3. When you stand in line for an hour with thousands of people in 95 degree heat, things are going to get real stinky.

4. I hate ferris wheels.

5. I love roller coasters.

6. $4.15 for a 22 ounce fountain drink is a complete rip-off.

7. My inner ear isn't what it used to be.

8. Dramamine is awesome!

9. When your seven year old son will only ride in things that are red, you may want to call his doctor to further discuss his OCD tendencies.

10. You might be in such a huge hurry to get into the park in the morning, that at the end of the day you will forget where you parked. Then you will cry.

11. The shower you take after a day at the amusement park is the best shower you will ever take.

12. When your son bursts into tears and says, "I want to live at Cedar Point!" all of the above will be totally worth it.

Labels: A Day in the Life, Family Life, Kids, Ramblings, Random Realizations

I want know why she doesn't ever chew on Ken?

(Congratulations to Middle Aged Woman! You won Monday's giveaway of Rage Against the Meshugenah.)

Labels: Creature Features, Photos

This is Daisy. She is six months old and weighs 55 pounds. She likes to sneak up and pounce on people, and on 11 year old dogs.

Blue hates Daisy.

And, because I spend my entire day yelling, "Dogs! I mean it! Quit your fighting!" I think I need to buy this shirt.

Labels: Creature Features