Momo Fali's: Death Makes Me Mad

Friday, July 11, 2008

Death Makes Me Mad

In the last 14 months, we have suffered a lot of loss in our family. Four uncles, an aunt, and a five year old preschool friend of our son. That's just who has passed recently...two of those deaths were in the last couple of months.

If we extend that period a few years back, I could include two more aunts, an uncle, a grandmother, my infant niece who I held in my arms just before she died, and a three year old boy who was run over in our preschool's parking lot.

Yesterday, my Mom's partner...her constant companion for the last 11 years, was put on life-support. We're not sure, but most likely he suffered a massive heart attack and it is only a matter of time before he will be gone as well. This losing people? Well, it's getting old.

I know that death is a part of life. I know that. But frankly, I'm getting sick of it.

I remember when my cousin, Kevin, died in 1991. I got to the hospital a few minutes too late to say goodbye. I will never forget stepping off the elevator and seeing my aunt mouth the words, "He's gone". As if not saying it out loud would make it hurt less.

His sister was with me, and I held her as she crumpled to a heap on the floor. I said goodbye to Kevin in a cold ICU, after he had already died.

Later that day, I went to the store to pick up some things for my Grandma and I remember looking at the person in front of me in the check-out line. I can't recall ever feeling so much rage. I wanted to scream at this complete stranger, "How can you be running this mundane errand? I can't believe you are buying this food! Don't you know that Kevin is dead?" I felt like I might explode.

I was so angry that she was going on with her day. Yet there I was buying groceries, just like she was. I was infuriated by people driving their cars to wherever they were headed, but I was driving my car too. Because life does go on.

As much as I felt the world should stop, it wouldn't...and it never will.

So, while my Mom sits at the hospital today, staring at monitors and watching a machine breathe for this man, people everywhere will be going about their day. Let's just hope I don't run into any of them when I'm out buying milk, because this chick is getting real tired of grieving.

Labels: Family Life, Ramblings

# posted by Momo Fali : 9:05 AM

Comments:

There really are no words. Just know that you are being thought of today and hugged from far away.

# posted by

Anonymous : July 11, 2008 at 10:57 AM

Hearing about anyone losing a child just rips my heart out. Even if it's just one sentence with no picture and I didn't even know the parents or the kid. That alone makes me mad. Because no matter how you want to justify it as God or fate or simply the cosmic order of things, it just doesn't cut it for me. It must hurt alot for you to have to go through this so much as of late. I'd be angry too. Be angry. I cannot offer an alternative. Just a "hey I'm here if you want to rant."

# posted by

BusyDad : July 11, 2008 at 11:00 AM

I can't imagine dealing with that much loss in such a short time. Your strength is obvious, though, by your ability to get angry about it rather than become overwhelmed with sorrow and depression. This is one of the few instances when anger can be a healthy emotion.

# posted by

Anonymous : July 11, 2008 at 11:12 AM

I remember when my best friend died three years ago, it felt very wrong to see people-especially people with kids, as she left behind four small children-just LIVING. And like you, of course I knew that their lives were untouched by our personal tragedy, but it still pissed me off that they didn't stop for just one second. I went back and read the post about the 5 year old and just cried-sometimes (often) life is just SO unfair. My thoughts are with you, and everyone who has suffered such staggering losses.

# posted by

Kori : July 11, 2008 at 11:18 AM

I'm so sorry....I will be thinking about you and your mom and the rest of your family as I go about my day today....it's hard and it doesn't seem fair, I know. hugs to you all.

# posted by

Unknown : July 11, 2008 at 11:25 AM

My family went through a string of deaths a few years back. It's all too familiar and painful. I'm sorry for all of the loss you've had to endure.

You and your family are in my thoughts.

# posted by

Jodi : July 11, 2008 at 11:32 AM

Your mom and family will be in my prayers.
and I will be running errands NEXT week!

# posted by

MamaMo : July 11, 2008 at 11:34 AM

I used to run when I got angry. Sometimes it helped.

I say get angry--let it out--sometimes that helps, too.

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

# posted by

Ed (zoesdad) : July 11, 2008 at 12:02 PM

Kudos for posting about your anger. Everyone wants to talk about memories and comforting things but when you are coming to terms with death, anger is one of the most prominent emotions and it often gets swept under the table.

You have clearly been dealt an unfair amount of grief and death lately. I admire your strength. There is a balance in the universe that always restores itself. You will see a turn for the better soon. {hugs}

# posted by

Anonymous : July 11, 2008 at 12:11 PM

::hugs:: I'm praying.

# posted by

Jaina : July 11, 2008 at 12:44 PM

I'm so sorry.

# posted by

piper : July 11, 2008 at 12:48 PM

A horrible period of events.

Best wishes to your mum & her partner.

# posted by

Martin : July 11, 2008 at 12:50 PM

Oh honey. I'm so sorry. There was a season where we lost (just) three, and I found myself wanting to scream, NO MORE DYING. Just STOP for awhile and give me a break!

If it helps any, I too felt incredulous that others were grocery shopping when our grandparents had died.

# posted by

Anonymous : July 11, 2008 at 1:16 PM

this is terribly, terribly sad. I am so sorry to hear this... Frankly, death pisses me off too.

# posted by

Misty : July 11, 2008 at 1:56 PM

I felt chills reading this, even though I already know what's going on. And I remember you telling me the grocery store/Kevin story seven years ago when I was going through the same feelings. Sigh.

# posted by

Bean : July 11, 2008 at 2:38 PM

Momo.. I am so sorry. And I am tryng to find the "right" things to say.. but I come up short.. so I will offer you our thoughts and prayers for you and your family. xo

# posted by

Anonymous : July 11, 2008 at 2:43 PM

Sorry for all of your losses- seems like you've had way more than your share! I wrote about something similar yesterday re: my husband- I agree- life goes on- it's hard, but it has to!

# posted by

Tenakim : July 11, 2008 at 2:47 PM

this sounds so eerily familiar. and i think that's what oddly makes it so comforting for me. and i hope its comforting for you to know that your feelings are not felt by you alone.

i hope that makes sense.

# posted by

MsPicketToYou : July 11, 2008 at 3:02 PM

I am so so sorry for all this around you...I am saying a prayer right now. You know i am.

# posted by

amy turn sharp : July 11, 2008 at 4:29 PM

I'm so sorry about your mother's partner...and the notion of anyone losing their child is just breathtaking.

# posted by

Manager Mom : July 11, 2008 at 4:50 PM

I would be yelling, too. I am sorry about your mom's partner, and all the losses you and your family have endured lately.

My prayers to you all!

# posted by

Anonymous : July 11, 2008 at 5:38 PM

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom's companion. Prayers for you and your family.

# posted by

Tara R. : July 11, 2008 at 5:39 PM

Love and prayers for you and your mom. I'm sorry you're going through this.

# posted by

The Mom Jen : July 11, 2008 at 6:21 PM

I'm so sorry, Mo. :( Please know that you are in my thoughts.

# posted by

Anonymous : July 11, 2008 at 6:22 PM

You've had more of your fair share of loss lately. Here's hoping things turn around soon.

# posted by

Paula Lynn Johnson : July 11, 2008 at 6:29 PM

:o(
It's very hard to see the ones we love suffer.

I wish you and your family strength to endure this pain.

# posted by

Bee (the one who muses) : July 11, 2008 at 6:32 PM

We'll be thinking and praying for you--lots of hugs!

# posted by

Miss Lisa : July 11, 2008 at 6:45 PM

Oh I am so sorry...

Our neighbor of over 20 years was taken away by ambulance the other day. He has aged 50 years over the winter it seems and it doesn't look good. Since that day, things on the street haven't looked, haven't felt the same.

I am just waiting for the terrible news....

So yes, it is a part of life, but it doesn't mean we can't kick and scream.

# posted by

Maureen : July 11, 2008 at 7:23 PM

Lots of positive thoughts for your mom and the rest of you guys, too.

# posted by

Shauna Loves Chocolate : July 11, 2008 at 8:18 PM

:( Hugs, girl. BIG hugs.

# posted by

Dette : July 11, 2008 at 9:30 PM

I am so very very sorry. There's nothing else to say.

# posted by

Sadia : July 11, 2008 at 9:34 PM

Your poor mom. =( I'm sorry, too.

# posted by

Heather : July 11, 2008 at 10:20 PM

Ow. Sorry. So sorry. Prayers and well wishes for you and your family coming your way - stat.
Take some deep breaths.

# posted by

Anonymous : July 11, 2008 at 11:21 PM

sorry to hear that. My condolensces to you and yours.

# posted by

Soge shirts : July 12, 2008 at 1:27 AM

Wow, Momo. You've definitely endured more than your fair share. I'm so, so sorry. Prayers for your mom during this time, and for you.

# posted by

Jenna : July 12, 2008 at 8:04 AM

Hugs to you. xoxo

# posted by

Melisa Wells : July 12, 2008 at 8:33 AM

I'm so sorry.

Thinking of you and your mom and your family.

I'm so very sorry.

# posted by

Unknown : July 12, 2008 at 9:30 AM

It never seems right that the world doesn't stop when someone dies.
Your world stops and stalls. Everyone else just mills about aimlessly not knowing that someone very important has left the Earth. I will stop today for you and think about your mom's partner, I am very sorry.

# posted by

J : July 12, 2008 at 4:46 PM

I felt exactly that when my baby died at 4 months old. How is it possible that the sun came out today, and people are acting like nothing happened?

Oh, but by the grace of God, I was able to rejoin that world, and live the life given to me to live. Yet we never forget.

# posted by

Anonymous : July 12, 2008 at 8:17 PM

I'm sorry. I'll never understand why it seems that some people just get more than their share of grief . . .

# posted by

Rima : July 12, 2008 at 8:34 PM

I am so, so sorry. That is a lot of loss. It just doesn't make sense. I get it . . . life, death and all that, but so much?

And that feeling, being angry that the world goes on . . . I've been there. It is a feeling that can't be described. That hurt. The pain. The anger.

I'll pray for your mother and her companion . . . and you, I'll be thinking of you.

# posted by

Laski : July 13, 2008 at 1:49 AM

I am so sorry for all of those losses. It just doesn't seem fair.

# posted by

Putting the FUN in DysFUNctional : July 13, 2008 at 3:20 PM

I wish I could say something wonderful and wise, but I can only say that I am thinking of your mother... and you also... I know about being sick of death. My father died a month more/less before I was to marry, many years ago, and I STILL have a terrible time dealing with this. I was pregnant and supposed to stay all night with him the night before the morning he died. I had just taken a CPR class, and I think STILL, "If I would have been there, could I have done SOMETHING?.". Absolutely crazy. I also wake up in sweats thinking about when my time comes, and I am 42 years old... I don't deal well with it at all... So, you are not alone. AND it is okay to be angry... :)

# posted by

vincent : July 13, 2008 at 6:00 PM

I'm so, so very sorry. :(

# posted by

María : July 13, 2008 at 9:41 PM

I wish I had the right words. I am so, so sorry you have had to experience so much grief! Know I am thinking of you and in my prayers!

# posted by

Shari : July 13, 2008 at 11:47 PM

I am so sorry to hear about all of the deaths. Especially the children. That is traumatic enough. Everything will sound so cliche now, so I'll just say that you've got a world of supporters here. A place to vent, and read the support that you need and deserve. I hope your Mom's partner is doing ok.

# posted by

chefmom : July 14, 2008 at 9:54 AM

I don't even know what to say. This breaks my heart. You have suffered an enormous amount of loss in a very short period of time. I dont think I would be able to maintain the sense of humor you have.

I hope that your mothers partner pulls through.

My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family.

# posted by

Anonymous : July 14, 2008 at 12:51 PM

Me too, yo. Me too. I have no words, except I love ya and you know where to find me if you wanna team up to kick death's ass.

(You're in my prayers...your momma too)

# posted by

Ashley : July 14, 2008 at 1:36 PM

I'm so there with you. My daughter has suffered with either directly related deaths (great aunt, close family friend, hamster, fish...not that those are the same as humans, but for an 8 year old, they might as well be) or indirectly (kid at her school) all in less than a year.

Heartbreaking...just heartbreaking.

Hugs to you.

# posted by

Mama Dawg : July 14, 2008 at 2:53 PM

This comment has been removed by the author.

# posted by

Mama Dawg : July 14, 2008 at 2:53 PM

So sorry to hear about your current family suffering and the loss you have endured recently.

# posted by

Anonymous : July 14, 2008 at 11:16 PM

I know what you mean about the yelling at people. I felt like doing that for months after my last miscarriage. Almost like they should be feeling your pain and shock.

It's a part of the healing process and it stinks.

So sorry you are going through so much.

# posted by

Blah Blah Blah : July 15, 2008 at 4:12 PM

I had the same feelings when we lost my father-in-law suddenly (heart attack). I had to resist the urge to run up to every man with that bodytype (pregnant belly-types) and beg them to do something before they, too, died suddenly, leaving their families in grief. When you hold a newborn baby in your arms after losses like these, it's hard to stay in grief; it's like having one foot in the past and one in the future. The circle of life does go on...

# posted by

Anonymous : July 16, 2008 at 11:18 PM

So sorry you're going through so much. I was also so infuriated that everything seemed to go on without being affected at all by the death of a child I didn't even know. A work colleague lost her small child and I was pissed at everyone I saw who went on as normal. Then I just decided to get pregnant instead.

# posted by

Ok, Where Was I? : July 17, 2008 at 1:32 PM

I'm so sorry.

# posted by

musingwoman : July 18, 2008 at 12:12 PM

I'm so sorry. Hope you're doing ok. Sometimes it's just not bloody fair is it. Hug.

# posted by

Jo Beaufoix : July 18, 2008 at 5:57 PM

I'm sorry for all the sadness that happened for you over the last few month. This is my first time at this blog. This was a very emotionally-touching post.

# posted by

Neil : August 2, 2008 at 5:44 PM

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