At the store recently, I saw a woman pick her son out of a shopping cart, then put his backside up to her nose as she inhaled deeply. I can’t tell you how many times I used to do that, along with grabbing the back of a diaper to judge whether there was a “nugget” inside. And, if I was in a hurry, I would just go ahead and stick my finger right in to feel if it was dirty.

Why is this type of behavior acceptable? Because being a parent gives you free reign to do gross things. When you start a family, you gain children, but you lose your dignity.

The very nature of having kids is rather icky. It may be a miracle, but no matter how a baby comes out, it's not a pretty sight.

It's really the day to day parenting that can be rather offensive though. I lost track of the amount of times I’ve licked my thumb to get dirt off a face, and to calm fly-away hair. Not to mention the many instances I slurped formula off my wrist after testing its temperature. Either that, or I just went ahead and wiped it on my pants.

I have come to the rescue as a bug-smasher and dead animal picker-upper. I have caught vomit in my bare hands, and cleaned projectile poop off a wall. It seems to me, being a Mom is much like joining a fraternity.

I have cut toenails which resembled talons, and I’ve pulled a hair out of my gagging daughter’s throat. One of my favorite memories was when she was three, and she decided to go through a spitting phase. I spent an afternoon cleaning up roughly 30 hocker piles off the basement floor.

I have picked boogers with a toothpick, and yanked ear wax out with tweezers. And once, on a playdate at the park, I let my friend's kid poop in a plastic bag propped up inside my Igloo cooler.

Let there be no doubt…kids are the reason bleach was invented.

Labels: Kids