My insomnia is back. Not only back, but with a vengeance. I haven't had a good night's sleep in quite awhile. In the past two weeks, I have increased my dosage of Melatonin, secretly snuck a couple of sleeping pills that I'm not supposed to take anymore, seen my family doctor, and had an EKG and echocardiogram. I AM TRYING to figure this out.

It's understandable, that to a non-insomniac, saying I haven't had a good night's sleep in awhile would imply that I toss and turn. But, NOOOOO. It is not so cut and dry. Of course, there are nights when I have something serious on my mind and toss around because of it. But, more often than not, I lie awake because I have a song stuck in my head (thank you to Barney and The Little Einsteins for that), or because there's the slightest bit of breeze from the fan, or because the dog moved and woke me up. As a matter of fact, if ANYTHING wakes me, I don't go back to sleep. Though, I would be thrilled to have that type of insomnia right now...the kind where I can't go back to sleep. At least I would have a fighting chance to get some rest. As long as Mars is at the highest point in the sky, the Moon is full, the wind is SE at 12.2 miles per hour, and our windows are closed.

See, lately I can't be so lucky as to actually get to the point of having something wake me. The insomnia I've had the past couple of weeks, has been the kind where I just can't fall asleep AT ALL. Where I do everything I know of, but the last time I look at the clock it is inevitably after 5:00 AM. It's torture. It's maddening. It's like I need the United Nations in my bedroom to help me fight this thing.

Trust me, I wouldn't trade all the sleep in the world for my two kids, but this is one thing I can, with near certainty, blame on them. It started with the pregnancy hormones, which not only left me sleepless, but once made me LEAVE WORK in the middle of the afternoon to come home and make an enormous pot of macaroni and cheese. Then, because our daughter spent five weeks in intensive care, every sound during the night was sure to be the hospital calling (it never was). After that, came toddler nightmares, and sickness which ALWAYS seems to manifest itself in the wee hours. Then another premature baby, this one with stomach, eye AND heart problems. I have now become a worrier of mass proportions. I agonize about everything. Everything. What do I need to put on the grocery list? Did I remember to put that permission slip in my daughter's folder? Will it rain tomorrow? Should I really let my daughter buy a hot dog for lunch? Will my son have to poop while he's at school? Who cares? Apparently, I do.

Labels: Insomnia